Secrets From The World Of Polyamory

One Man 'Normally' Has 2-4 Partners - More Is Seen As Greedy...

Image source Medical News TodayPolyamory, or a polyamorous relationship, is a type of non-monogamous relationship that differs from other relationships in that multiple people are involved, often one man and any number of women, although it's often between 2 and 4, not wanting to be too greedy.

Popular To Contrary Belief - You CAN Still Commit...

Image source CNNPeople aren’t polyamorous because they’re unhappy about being in a one to one relationship.  They PREFER to commit to multiple partners.  Dating as a polyamorous person means you’re not looking for just one person to share a romantic or sexual commitment with.

Get to grips with jealousy BEFORE you do anything!

Image source InsiderJealousy is a subject that needs to be discussed and faced in any polyamorous relationship.  For it to be successful, everyone involved must be open and honest about what they want out of the union.  Even with everything on the table, insecurities can spark jealousy.

It's SO Different From An Open Relationship!

Image source Prevention.comEven though both are considered non-monogamous relationships, polyamory is way different from an open relationship. In polyamorous relationships, it is not completely about sex, whereas an open relationship allows both partners to see other people for sex.

It's Not All Plain Sailing...

Image source Polyamory Today NewsPolyamorous relationships are highly challenging to maintain. Simply finding a partner willing to enter a relationship with the same honesty and ground rules is difficult.  This is why there are specific online groups that allow 'polys' to meet up with a view to beginning a union.

It's Not Just About The Sex ...

Image source ElleThere are misconceptions about polyamory, mainly that it's just about the sex which is apparently untrue.  Polyamorous partners say it's all about multiple love although sex can be the prime motivator for the start of the relationship. it goes a lot deeper than that.

He May Tell You Everything YOU WANT To Hear ...

Image source Men's HealthWhen a woman becomes part of a polyamorous relationship (or family, as the man prefers to call it), she may be naive in that she will believe everything will be rosy and she will be loved and cherished.  However, she may learn a harsh lesson when she realises he is number one and he loves himself first, before anyone else.

Not Sure WHO To Approach ... Wear a Polyamorous Ribbon For Clarity

Image source Paper MartA common symbol is the polyamorous ribbon. Similar to the polyamory flag, it uses colours to represent the core values of the polyamorous community.  It can be applied to pictures, videos and profile pictures and makes it clear abut the type of relationship the person is looking for.

Hierarchical Polyamory ....Are You The Number One?

Image source Feetway.comThis is about prioritizing partners which isn't good news if you are way down the line.  The primary partner may be honoured with being allowed a shared bank account and the second partner won't receive the same amount of attention and may not feel happy about it, although wouldn't say anything.

Non-Hierarchical Polyamory ... NO Pecking Order, Just Equality

Image source Jezebel By Night

With non-hierarchical poly, every partner is considered when it comes to making serious decisions and there isn't a ranking system. Each relationship is allowed to grow organically without any rules imposed on it by a third party and these type of lifestyles are not uncommon.

Kitchen Table Polyamory .... Everyone Is comfortable with their partners' partner!

Image source Residence.com

Some polyamorous people enjoy getting to know their partner's partners which is even more confusing (known as a metamour). They want to be friends with them and in some situations, have a platonic or sexual relationship with them.  It is referred to as 'kitchen table' polyamory.

Parallel Polyamory ... Not interested in partners' outside affairs

Image source Poly With A Hearth

Then there are some who have no desire to get to know their metamours (their partner's partners).  Even though they say they don't mind the situation and don't feel jealous, it may still hurt when they see them together, especially if they are acting lovingly.

Garden Party Polyamory .... WILLING to sleep with partners' outside lovers - how considerate!

Image source TheBody

If your head's spinning about the different forms of polyamory, then try and get your head around this one.  If someone doesn't want to have a friendship with their metamour, they may decide to see them periodically, to please (one of) their partners.  How generous!

Closed Throuple - when 3 is definitely not a crowd ....

Image source Sexcoaching.com

You have probably heard about a throuple where there are three people in a relationship.  This threesome are committed to each other equally and discussions take place regarding how the third person feels when two of them are engaging in 'stuff'.  It's known as a nurturing process.

Open Throuple - If the triangle is missing an angle, it's ok to look elsewhere!

Image source CNN

If a closed throuple is found to be too restrictive, don't despair because there is such a thing as an open throuple.  This is where you are in a three way relationship but you are allowed to look elsewhere if you fancy.  If you meet another person, you will then be in a quad!

Solo Polyamory ... never on their own for long!

Image source DeviantArtThis is where you live independently as a single person but indulge in multiple relationships.  You may think this just sounds like a serial cheat but the solo polyamorist doesn't keep it a secret and is open about all the relationships they are carrying out.  There is even a solo polyamory flag so people know your persuasion.

Single Polyamory - Still looking for that special polyamory relationship

Image source Healthline

Single polyamory is simply a person who is polyamorous but currently doesn't have a partner.  You might wonder why someone may identify as a single polyamorist if they’re not in a relationship. The reason is to illustrate to dates and potential future partners that they are somebody who is polyamorous.

Relationship Anarchy - Sensibly working out THE ORDER of your partners ....

Image source Incel Wiki

This is a life philosophy that promotes the idea of no assumed hierarchy among not just your lovers but also friends and people who are important to you.  It is described as 'Instead of prioritizing your one monogamous romantic partner at the top, you can customize all of your connections with people individually and build a life and support network that works best for you.'

Open Loop - indulging in casual sex .... to please everyone!

Image source The GuardianYou have your multiple partners and those partners have their own multiple partners.  That's a heck of a lot of partners, called an open loop. These types of relationships tend to be very casual and not meaningful, with no intention of becoming a partnership.

There Can't Be Equality .... even when he swears there is!

Image source Couples CounsellingYou cannot invest yourself in the same amount in all partners at all times.  This means that one or more partners will feel angry and resentful.  Polyamory is really about me, me me. It’s about the self and there is no way you can treat two different people equally in practice.

Not As significant as monogamous relationship ....great if you DON'T want to be tied down!

Image source BetterlifeWhen you share your partner with others, then you’ll naturally be less invested in them. With less investment, there’s less fulfilment in the long term as well.  It breeds the habit of not taking responsibility for your partner’s feelings, desires and fears. There is a chance your partner will move on so why invest in them?

Difficulty When The Woman Is Polyamorous ....the poor male suffers!

The Guardian NigeriaThe reason that it is much harder for a man to fall in love with a woman who is polyamorous is because the nature of polyamory is that all partners have to detach and remove their emotions from their partners as much as possible.  If a man detaches himself, he can't fall in love.

Women Can't Detach From Arrangement ...she might want a baby

Image source MediumBecause she is a woman who carries babies and her body is made for carrying, birthing and nurturing life, she cannot prevent the emotional attachment to a man.  She is biologically driven towards him and he will be unaware and/or unsympathetic towards her.

Time Management - a timetable would be a good idea!

Image source Poly PrideHealthy polyamorous relationships are based on good time management skills and great communication. The partners in a polyamorous relationship have to be able to explain what their expectations and limits are.  They need to communicate about what the boundaries are for a polyamorous relationship.

Polyamory Until Love Happens - EVERYONE has feelings

Image source Your TangoIt’s happened lots of times where a man says he is polyamorous and he remains so until he meets another non polyamorous woman.  He falls in love with her and immediately drops all of his polyamorous female partners. If a man was in a polyamorous relationship with his idea of a perfect 10, then he wouldn’t be in a polyamorous relationship!

Primary Partner Never Really Means Primary ... or does it?

Image source Vixen DailyThe primary partner in a polyamorous relationship means they are the number one partner in a hierarchical setup. The primary partner is supposed to get priority, in theory, but it doesn't usually follow.  As soon as they are away, for any reason, someone else becomes number one.

Women Have To Forget How They Feel ... is it worth making do?

Image source The GuardianWhen women detach from their emotions, they have to try to ignore their own feelings of yearning for more.  They lose the core of their femininity and the core of who they are as a woman.  A lot of women enter the situation ignoring their heart’s desire for deeper love and ownership from a man.

Low Self Esteem Choice - when you don't think you deserve love ...

Image source PsypostPeople may enter into a polyamorous relationship because they suffer with low self esteem.  They don't want to run the risk of asking for too much from a man because they don't feel confident.  Sometimes women cover up their real yearning in their heart for a full commitment from a man because she thinks it's her only option.

Inconvenient Truth - love yourself first and foremost!

Image source Your TangoA man will give you all of his time, emotional energy, attention and resources when you become his one and only type of woman and he will give you virtually nothing when he sees you as his one of many. He will do only the bare minimum to keep her around. He loves himself first and that should be remembered.

True Love For Women - should they give up on it?

Image source RelateIn order for women to have and experience that deeply committed relationship that most females crave, they need to understand what it takes to become your man’s one and only. In a polyamorous relationship that is an impossibility.  It's hard for the woman to accept that fact.

The Full Quad

Image Source / UnsplashThis is when four people are romantically or sexually (or both) involved in a group. It might also include primary partners within the four, but not always depending on the four people's preferences.

Polycule: Romantically Connected People

Image Source / Frankly WearingNow we're going for the bigger numbers. A polycule is more like a 'network' of polyamorous people within one romantically-linked chain. It could be something like you and your partner, your partner's girlfriend and the girlfriend's husband. The husband then also might have a girlfriend, who has another partner... and so on.

Polyamorous People Can Be Genuinely Happy When Their Partner Finds Someone Else

Image Source / EF English Live - EF Education FirstIt's not always about jealously. With 'compersion' - which is the opposite of jealousy - you feel happy for your partner when they've found someone else, rather than feeling threatened. This is a healthy part of polyamorous relationships, when you're happy the circle of love has grown a little bigger!

Nesting Partners

Image Source / RedditThese are partners (whether that's one, three or seven) who live together in one home. It doesn't have to mean that your primary partner is the one that 'nests' with you. Your primary partner might live elsewhere. But 'nesting partner' can very often refer to the 'main' partner.

Polysaturated: The Cut Off Point

Image Source / The New York TimesEven polyamorous people have to draw the line somewhere otherwise they may end up with 100 partners. Polysaturated means when you've reached your limit - you're happy in the relationships you have with your current partners, and you're not looking for anyone new to join the fold.

Vee: The 'Hinge'

Image Source / MediumEver heard of a 'vee'? This is the name given to a polyamorous relationship between three people, where one of the people is the vee - or hinge - where they're dating the other two, but on a separate basis. The other two people are not romantically involved with each other, only both involved with the vee.

Being 'Consensually Non-Monogamous' Is Not Legally Protected In The US

Image Source / BBCIf you're openly polyamorous in the US, you'll undoubtedly have a lot to worry about - and a lot to consider - in regard to legality and the workplace. In the US, because it's not a protected status, you could get fired for it, have child custody decisions jeopardized, be discriminated against for jobs or education and have divorce settlements made more complicated.

Being Polyamorous Doesn't Mean You're Scared Of Commitment

Image Source / Global NewsSome people may be, certainly, but that's true of anyone in the world - polyamorous or otherwise. But being polyamorous doesn't automatically mean you're just afraid of committing to one person, so you want more than one instead. You can still be committed in a polyamorous relationship, to one person or more.

Polyamorous People Aren't 'Just Horny'

Image Source / Refinery29No, being polyamorous isn't just an excuse to sleep with as many people as possible to satisfy your urges. Polyamorous people might have the same amount of sex with different people as a monogamous couple might have with each other. Or, you can still be polyamorous but also asexual, meaning you don't have any sex at all. So being poly certainly doesn't mean being horny.

Polyamorous People Have Loose Morals: FALSE!

Image Source / FreepikThe thing with polyamory is that it isn't just a free for all - there are rules, negotiations and agreements in place within healthy and consensual relationships. The values and morals a poly person has can be the same as a one-partner person: trust, respect, communication and consent!

Jealousy Is Always Possible, But Not Always An Issue

Image Source / Merriam-WebsterBeing poly doesn't mean you're immune to natural human feelings of jealousy. Some people can get jealous even with consent and communication. Others might not get jealous at all. You can love more than one person at one time as a polyamorous person, but you can also get jealous, too.

It's Just A Sex Addiction: FALSE!

Image Source / GreatistAs mentioned, being polyamorous isn't just about sex, and sex addiction is something that can affect anyone, whether a single person or a polyamorous seven-some. Polyamorous people have a different set of rules and definitions for their relationships, and that doesn't take into account any sex addictions that don't exist!

Polyamory And Polygamy Are Two Different Things

Image Source / Universal Life ChurchIt's important to know the difference! Polygamy is when a person has more than one spouse, such as a man having four wives. But that doesn't mean that polygamous people are also polyamorous, and vice versa. Polyamorous people have multiple relationships at one time. It's also important to know the distinction because polygamy is actually illegal in the US.

Surely Polyamorous People Have More STIs?

Image Source / News MedicalNope! Again, it's not all about sex, and some poly people don't even have sex. More number of partners doesn't mean catching more STIs. In fact, the open communication and consent within polyamorous people means it's more likely they'll have a good talk about staying safe and avoiding STIs, compared to someone on the prowl to cheat and behave recklessly.

How Do You Know Polyamory Is Right For You?

Image Source / WikipediaMaybe you've been wondering about this, which is why you're reading this article. Before knowing whether polyamory is right for you, it's important to get to know yourself, and how you feel and act in relationships. If you feel you could have intimacy with more than one person, are okay sharing your loved one with someone else and can control feelings of jealous, this can be a good start.

Polyamory Isn't A New Quirky Trend

Image Source / WikipediaMaybe you're only just learning about polyamory, but it isn't actually a recent thing. It's not a trend in the 21st Century, it actually dates back quite a while. There have been instances of polyamory practiced in Indigenous communities, and it's even been referenced in spiritual texts.

Each Person Might Have A 'Dealbreaker'

Image Source / PolyamoryWhile polyamory is all about agreement and consent, that doesn't mean everyone has the same idea of their own limits. Each polyamorous person might have their own dealbreaker, which is why it's so important to talk about it and work out what you can and can't deal with. A lot of this can relate to what their definition of 'cheating' in a polyamorous relationship might be.

Being Poly Isn't Always A Permanent Thing

Image Source / The BridgeheadThere's absolutely no rule or pressure to say 'you've decided you're poly, so now you must be for the rest of your life.' The thing with polyamory is you can try it, and then decide it's not for you. Your needs can also change over time, so you can spend your entire life being poly and then one day decide that it no longer works for you.