10 Ways To Limit People Pleasing

1. There's a difference between being nice and people-pleasing

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It goes without saying that kindness is a desired trait. However, when it's motivated by wanting to avoid disappointing people or forces us to put pressure on ourselves to live up to an ideal, then it's coming from people-pleasing. While it can help you avoid conflicts, it also leaves you feeling drained. Your actions can't always be based on what other people think.

2. It's okay to ask for help

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As a people-pleaser, a lot of people probably come to you for advice, support, and anything else they need. So it's probably challenging for you to ask for help. Try asking someone you feel close with (like your bestie or a partner) on how often THEY see you doing too much for others. Then talk through ways that they can support you on saying no to things that are too overwhelming for you.

3. Let your inner voice guide you

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Your inner voice doesn't want you to be a people-pleaser. It's likely telling you that some of the people you're investing in are not worth it, and maybe even be toxic. You can meditate to strengthen your inner voice and bring clarity on what you truly desire and what you want to achieve.

4. It's okay to say no without an excuse

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No is an answer in and of itself. If you don't have the time or energy for something, you don't have to apologize and list a bunch of reasons why you can't. Allow yourself to focus on personal pursuits as well as a work-life balance. Don't let yourself be a doormat, constantly giving into other people's demands.

5. Don't worry about fitting in

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Easier said than done for sure, but it's so important to figure out who you are and stay true to yourself. Don't do things just because you think it will earn you points with someone. And on the flip side, do what you love, even if that means people may look at you funny! Stand your ground and make decisions based on your own self. Ultimately, people will respect you for it!

6. It's healthy to prioritize yourself

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It might feel selfish at first, when you've lived your life to please other people, but prioritizing yourself is actually super healthy. You can't accommodate everyone and everything, and it's okay if you disappoint people from time to time. Focus on what you want out of life and then put the appropriate boundaries in place.

7. Put a time limit on certain things

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Perhaps your friend calls you, who you love, but you know the conversation with them will likely be draining. If you are able to and want to take the call, that's totally fine, but set a time limit to it or ask them to call you again at another time when you have the capacity to handle it. This will help you be more productive and less bitter about it. It also sets a boundary with the other person.

8. Create a mantra for yourself

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A mantra can help you when you are feeling overwhelmed. It's something simple that will remind you of who you are. You can leave yourself a note on the bathroom mirror, or save it as an image on your phone, and whenever you feel those tendencies creeping in, you just repeat the mantra to yourself. It could be something like "it's okay to say no," or "I am the guardian of my time and energy."

9. Have you heard of successive approximation?

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There's a Japanese philosophy that means "continuous improvement." Basically, it means that it doesn't matter if you are taking small steps or giant leaps as long as you're moving in the right direction. With small (or large) incremental changes, you'll learn to restructure your mental wellness and stop worrying to much about what others think.

10. You can't make everyone happy

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We hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's truly impossible to make everyone happy! Every person in your life has different needs, and there's no way that you can meet them all. At some point along the way, someone will get upset or offended, that's just the way it is. That's why it's so important to be authentic and true to yourself, so that people will appreciate you for who you are.

11. Start with positive self-talk

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Don't forget that your voice matters too! You are lovable for who you are, not for what you do for others. This may take some time and reassurance of your inner child that you are doing well and unlearning this unhealthy habit. Say affirming things to yourself about yourself, and you will start to believe them! And then others will believe them too!

12. Seek professional support

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People-pleasing is something that deeply roots itself in us. It can stem from various things that have happened to us throughout our lives, and often acts as a defense mechanism. While there are certainly things you can put into place yourself, it may be beneficial to seek professional advice from a third party who can help keep you accountable on the journey.

13. Give yourself some grace

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Sometimes it's hard to accept our flaws, so instead you try to hide them and think that your value lies in other people's opinions of you. When you are spending time on pleasing others, you're not putting energy into yourself or the things that matter to you. No one is perfect. It's about learning and growing from your mistakes.

14. There should be give and take

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Friendships and relationships are a two-way street. There should be reciprocity. While we're not saying you can NEVER do something for someone out of the goodness of your heart or without expecting something in return, it should be the overall way things are happening in your life. You don't want to invest in one-sided relationships, and you deserve people in your life who also look to make your life easier and your goals more achievable.

15. Set goals for yourself

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Beyond just taking steps to stop people-pleasing, think about all of the things that you want to accomplish in your life for YOU. Whether they're career or relationship related, write them down somewhere where you'll be reminded of them. Then use those goals to ask yourself if all the things you're doing for everyone else are helping you achieve your goals. Even if it's simply just taking your energy and focus off of your goals onto someone else's problems.

16. Take it one step at a time

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You don't have to change completely overnight, and you shouldn't expect to. One small step you can take is trying role-play with a friend, or family, or a therapist. Have them help you create real-life situations and questions where you have to say no. Have them try different tones and phrases that may be triggering for you.

17. You have a choice!

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Sometimes, people-pleasing can be so deeply ingrained in our psyche that we truly do not see any other way to operate. It can then feel like we are stuck in a cycle of exhaustion, stress, resentment and depression. But the reality is, you DO have a choice. Being aware of the pattern is the first step towards changing it.

18. Don't offer unsolicited advice

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A lot of times, when we offer advice or problem-solving without being asked, it's coming from a place of wanting to feel secure or indispensable. However, because it wasn't asked for, it can often leave you feeling resentful or frustrated, especially if the other person doesn't receive what you're offering. This can cause you to feel drained very quickly!

19. You can't overthink EVERYTHING

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People who are people-pleasers tend to be over-observant. This means they may read into everything from small expressions to verbal nuances and tone. This can result in overthinking. You have to be able to be patient and allow things to unfold. A lot of situations that you are making personal are likely not. Rebuild the scenarios in your head.

20. Be assertive and stand up for yourself

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People can't read your thoughts. So your friends or others in your life might not always know when something is bothering you, or when they are putting too much pressure on you. It's important for you to be upfront about it and stand up for yourself. If you don't, you'll likely grow resentful. Other people shouldn't determine how you live your life.

21. Only apologize for things that are your fault

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It can be so tempting to say "I'm sorry," for inconveniences that may happen to others that truly aren't your fault. While this may seem as acting in kindness or compassion, all it's really doing is setting you up as the fall guy in every situation. It's changing people's perception of you as someone who they can take advantage of and manipulate to get what they want.

22. Help people on your terms

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We're not saying that you shouldn't be kind or thoughtful. These are actually really desirable qualities and will help you form lasting relationships. However, a lot of it has to do with your motivations and intentions. You shouldn't do them out of fear of rejection or wanting approval. Do kind things on your terms.

23. Focus on your future

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When you dwell on the past, you'll probably be left feeling negative emotions. When you're a people-please this may feel like regret or guilt. Do meditative exercises or even try therapy to start letting go of the things that are holding you back. This may also mean you have to cut ties with toxic people who have been taking advantage of you.

24. Assess what they're asking of you

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When someone asks you to do something, take a second to see if there are signs that they're taking advantage of you. Is this someone who always asks things of you but would never return a favor of any sort? If it feels like the situation is being manipulated, take a moment to decide how you want to handle what they're asking. Also note if it's a one-off request or a repeated situation.

25. Celebrate your wins

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Overcoming people-pleasing is hard work and it will take time and patience! Whenever you do something that showcases how you are breaking those habits, make a note of it. Be sure to celebrate those wins, no matter how big or small. Writing it down will also give you a reference point if you find yourself losing confidence, because you'll be able to see how far you've come!

26. Boundaries are your friend

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When you are starting to feel resentful, make a list of all the things you're doing that make you feel used or unhappy with your life. This will allow you to start setting boundaries in order of importance. Maybe that means you stop getting coffee for your coworker every day or you don't allow your friends to call you at all hours to vent. Boundaries aren't selfish!

27. Learn to sit with discomfort

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People-pleasing is often a result of trying to minimize discomfort, conflict, rejection or judgment. It will definitely take some time, but if you can learn to sit with those feelings without letting them overtake you, then they'll have less power over you and be less of a driving force in your decisions and actions.

28. Use discernment in manipulative situations

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When you are a people-pleaser, it's very easy to be taken advantage of. Make a mental note of any person in your life who is using excessive flattery or compliments to try to get you to do something for them. This is a manipulative tactic in order to get something from you, and once you allow it to happen, it's really hard to stop the cycle.

29. Just to reiterate it one more time...

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We've talked about it already, but it's truly okay to say "no." This is one of the hardest things to learn when your habit is to please others. As we said, it's okay to say it without making any sort of excuse. It just means that you aren't getting roped into things are that unreasonable. You also stop saying "yes" when someone is asking for your help and it's outside of your comfort zone. Take care of yourself!

30. Learn to be happy on your own

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It's pretty clear that being a people-pleaser is not a healthy way to live. Some say it results in additional stress and even depression. YOU are important too. Your thoughts and feelings matter. You don't exist just to fulfill other people's needs, so don't neglect your own! Find what makes YOU happy and brings joy to your life.