Lack of Self-Control
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In some cases, men might struggle with self-control and find it challenging to resist looking at attractive individuals, even when they're committed. This behavior stems from personal difficulties in managing impulses. It doesn't automatically mean they are actively seeking something beyond their committed relationship. Some individuals may have greater difficulty controlling their impulses due to various factors, such as a lack of self-awareness, past experiences, or personal insecurities. It's a behavior that requires self-reflection and efforts toward improving self-control.
Appreciation of Beauty
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Men are visual creatures, and they appreciate beauty in various forms. Their glances may be an appreciation of the aesthetic appeal without necessarily indicating dissatisfaction with their partner's appearance. Men can, too, genuinely admire beauty and aesthetics, similar to how one appreciates art or a picturesque landscape. These glances might be an expression of that appreciation, acknowledging the attractiveness of others without any intention of pursuing or devaluing their current relationship.
Natural Magnetism
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Certain individuals possess a natural magnetism that draws attention. Men may find themselves glancing at these women due to their charismatic presence or captivating aura — it's a recognition of the unique allure these individuals possess. This magnetism can be attributed to a combination of factors such as physical attractiveness, confidence, charisma, and body language. When men encounter such individuals, their gaze may be instinctively drawn towards them, appreciating the magnetism and charm they exude.
Visual Stimulus
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The male brain is wired to respond more strongly to visual stimuli, making it natural for them to glance at women who catch their eye. This doesn't imply dissatisfaction with their partner but rather a response to their innate visual nature. Men's brains are biologically predisposed to be more visually oriented, which can lead to a spontaneous reaction when they come across an attractive person. These glances often happen automatically and may not unquestionably reflect any deeper intentions or desires beyond appreciating visual beauty.
Reinforcing Masculinity
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Men might occasionally glance at other women to reaffirm their masculinity or attractiveness. This behavior can serve as a reminder of their desirability and validate their sense of self-worth, and it's a way for men to gain reassurance and maintain a positive self-image in a rotten society that almost always places value on physical appearance and attractiveness. By confirming their desirability through these glances, men may feel a boost in their confidence and reinforce their own masculinity.
The Novelty Factor
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Sometimes, men glance at other women simply because they're attracted to the novelty of someone new. The intrigue of the unknown can pique their curiosity and momentarily capture their attention. All humans, including men (and we're also talking about women here!), are naturally curious beings, and encountering someone unfamiliar can spark interest and fascination. These glances may not stem from dissatisfaction or a desire for change but rather from a momentary fascination with the new and different.
Lack of Variety
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Men may glance at other women to experience a sense of variety or excitement that they feel might be missing from their current relationship. It's a fleeting desire for new experiences or a temporary escape from routine since monotony or a perceived lack of variety in a long-term relationship can sometimes lead to fleeting thoughts or glances directed toward others. This doesn't naturally indicate dissatisfaction with their partner but rather a momentary yearning for novelty or a reminder of the broader range of human experiences.
Engaging in Casual People-Watching
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Men may engage in casual people-watching, including observing women, as a way to pass the time or indulge in harmless curiosity about those around them. It's a form of mild entertainment and idle observation. People-watching is a common pastime for many individuals, as it allows them to observe human behavior, fashion trends, or social dynamics. Glancing at women in this context doesn't unquestionably imply romantic or inappropriate intentions but rather a casual observation of the people in their surroundings.
Biological Impulses
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Evolutionary instincts can sometimes drive men to assess potential mates, even if they're already in a committed relationship, and while these primal urges are deeply rooted, they are not indicative of dissatisfaction with their current partner. From an evolutionary perspective, men may have developed the inclination to assess reproductive opportunities, a behavior that can persist even in committed relationships. Still, it's essential to emphasize that societal norms and personal values play a role in determining whether these impulses are acted upon or suppressed.
Social Conditioning
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Society often portrays men as the pursuers or initiators, leading to conditioned behaviors like glancing at women on the street. Cultural expectations and societal norms can shape individual behaviors and influence their actions. Men may feel the pressure to conform to societal ideals of masculinity and attraction, leading to reflexive glances or behaviors that align with these expectations. It's important to recognize the impact of social conditioning on individual actions and challenge harmful norms.
Deeply-Rooted Curiosity
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(Some) men may sometimes glance at other women out of genuine curiosity about their appearance or style without any intention of pursuing them. It's a natural inclination to appreciate diversity and observe different aspects of human expression. Men, like anyone else, can have a genuine interest in fashion, aesthetics, or unique qualities they notice in others. These glances may stem from a genuine curiosity about the world around them and a desire to appreciate the variety of human appearances.
Personal Insecurities
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Men with personal insecurities might unconsciously seek reassurance or validation through fleeting glances at other women. If the woman also looks at them, the habit is created. Basically, this is an attempt to alleviate self-doubt and gain a sense of confidence since insecurities about one's appearance, desirability, or self-worth can lead individuals to seek validation from external sources. These glances may serve as a temporary ego boost or a way to momentarily escape feelings of insecurity and doubt.
External Factors
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At times, distractions like provocative clothing, advertisements, or societal norms that promote objectification can influence a man's gaze on the street or anywhere outside the house. These external factors can capture their attention momentarily, as that's their purpose: They are designed to be visually striking and attention-grabbing. Thus, the prevalence of sexualized imagery in media and advertising can inadvertently direct one's gaze toward attractive individuals, irrespective of their relationship status or personal desires.
Habitual Behavior
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For some, glancing at other women might be a habit developed over time, irrespective of their relationship status. It could be an unconscious action ingrained in their daily routines. These glances may happen without any specific intent or motive as a result of ingrained patterns formed through years of observation and cultural conditioning. Some men are used to always scanning their surroundings as a survival instinct, which obviously includes women as well, so it's important to differentiate between habit and intent when examining these behaviors.
Simple Observance
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Men are naturally curious beings (they often strive to learn new things, advance their careers by amassing knowledge, and overall find out how stuff works), and occasionally, their wandering glance may stem from a desire to observe others and understand different perspectives. It's a way for them to broaden their understanding of the world and gain insights into the diverse range of individuals they come across. By observing others, men can satisfy their innate curiosity and expand their knowledge of human behavior and expression.
Lack of Emotional Connection
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If emotional needs aren't met within the relationship, a man may inadvertently seek emotional validation through fleeting glances at other women (a woman can do this, too!). It's an attempt to fill the emotional void they perceive within their current partnership. Emotional connection and intimacy are vital components of a fulfilling relationship, and when these needs go unmet or a perceived lack of emotional connection arises, some men may unintentionally seek validation or a sense of emotional fulfillment by briefly appreciating other women.
Routine Complacency
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In long-term relationships, routine and complacency can set in. Men may glance at other women as a way to break the monotony or remind themselves of their own desirability. It can be a temporary escape from the familiarity of the relationship. Over time, the excitement and novelty that initially accompanied a relationship may diminish due to routine and familiarity. Glancing at other women can serve as a way to momentarily escape the predictability of a long-term partnership, reignite a sense of desirability, or remind oneself of the potential for new experiences.
Cultural Influences
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Cultural norms and expectations can contribute to men glancing at women, as some societies emphasize outward attractiveness as a primary factor; they shape individual behaviors and perceptions. Societies vary in their attitudes and expectations regarding relationships and attraction. In some cultures, the importance placed on physical appearance and attractiveness may be more pronounced, leading men to engage in glances as a response to these expectations. Finally, these influences can significantly impact an individual's attractiveness perception and relationship behaviors.
Unfulfilled Fantasies
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Glancing at other women can sometimes be a manifestation of unfulfilled fantasies or desires that a man hasn't expressed or explored with his partner. It's a reflection of unexplored aspects of one's sexuality or desires. Human sexuality is complex, and individuals may have unfulfilled fantasies or desires that they haven't openly communicated or acted upon within their current relationship. So, looking at other women can be a subconscious expression of those unfulfilled desires or a way to momentarily explore aspects of one's own sexuality that haven't been fully explored or realized.
Lack of Intimacy
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A lack of physical intimacy or affection within a relationship can prompt a man to seek validation or desire through the gaze of others. It's an attempt to fulfill unmet physical needs or feel desired. Physical intimacy plays a crucial role in romantic relationships, and if a man feels a lack of physical connection or affection from his partner, he may inadvertently seek validation or desire by appreciating the physical attractiveness of other women. This behavior can arise as a result of unmet physical needs and a longing for the sensation of being desired.
Escape from Reality
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Temporary distractions or escape from stressors in life might lead a man to glance at other women, seeking a momentary mental reprieve. It can be a way to momentarily detach from personal struggles. Life can be filled with various stressors and challenges. Glancing at other women may serve as a momentary escape from the realities of life, offering a brief respite from everyday worries or responsibilities. It's a way to shift focus and find a temporary mental diversion that provides a sense of relief or relaxation.
Unresolved Past Experiences
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Unresolved past relationships or emotional baggage can sometimes cause a man to glance at other women as a way to cope or distract themselves. It can be a subconscious attempt to heal or find solace since past experiences, especially those that involve emotional pain or unresolved conflicts, can linger in the subconscious mind. Looking at other women may serve as a temporary escape or a means to distract oneself from the emotional weight of past experiences. It can be a coping mechanism to find solace or to create a sense of emotional distance from unresolved issues.
Peer Influence
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The influence of friends or acquaintances who exhibit similar behaviors can normalize looking at other women. Men may feel inclined to align with the behavior they observe in their social circle. Peer influence is a powerful force that can impact individual behavior: If men witness their friends or acquaintances engaging in similar glances, it can create a sense of social conformity or validation. The desire to fit in or emulate the actions of their peers can contribute to men glancing at other women as a socially accepted behavior.
Media Influence
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Media depictions of beauty and attractiveness can shape perceptions, making it more common for men to look at women who fit the societal ideal. These ideals portrayed in media can influence one's gaze and preferences since it plays such a significant role in shaping societal standards of beauty and attractiveness. Men, like anyone else, are exposed to these idealized representations through various forms of media. Consequently, their glances may align with the beauty standards perpetuated by the media, even if subconsciously influenced by those representations.
Emotional Distance
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If emotional distance emerges in the relationship, a man may subconsciously seek that kind of connection by appreciating the beauty of others; it's an attempt to bridge the emotional gap that has developed over time. Emotional distance can arise due to various factors, such as work stress, unresolved conflicts, or changes in the dynamics of the relationship. When emotional intimacy diminishes, individuals may instinctively seek emotional connection or validation from external sources, including visual admiration of others.
Incompatibility
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When partners have different interests, passions, or lifestyles, a man might find himself glancing at other women who align more closely with his preferences. It's merely a reflection of the desire for compatibility and shared interests. Incompatibility within a relationship can lead individuals to seek connections or attractions elsewhere, and if a man feels that his partner doesn't share his interests or fulfill his intellectual or emotional needs, he may be drawn to women who exhibit qualities or traits that resonate more strongly with him.
Lack of Communication
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Inadequate communication within a relationship can lead to unexpressed needs or desires, causing one partner to seek fulfillment elsewhere, even if momentarily. Looking at other women may be a subtle expression of unmet emotional needs. When partners fail to effectively communicate their emotions, desires, or concerns, individuals may resort to indirect means of expression, and these glances can become a way to communicate unspoken needs or an attempt to seek validation that has been left unaddressed in the relationship.
Childhood Conditioning
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Upbringing and childhood experiences can shape behaviors. Men who observed their fathers or other male figures glancing at women may adopt similar habits; it can be a learned behavior from early role models. Our upbringing and the behaviors we witness during childhood play a significant role in shaping our actions and perceptions as adults and if men grew up in environments where glancing at women was considered normal or acceptable, they may unknowingly replicate these behaviors in their own lives.
Boredom
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In monotonous routines, a wandering gaze might be an attempt to break the boredom or inject some excitement into their lives. It doesn't necessarily reflect dissatisfaction with their partner but rather a craving for novelty. When daily life becomes predictable and mundane, men may find themselves seeking visual stimulation or brief moments of intrigue by glancing at other women. It can be a way to momentarily escape the routine and experience a sense of excitement or spontaneity.
Exploration of Self-Identity
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Men may glance at other women as a means of exploring their own self-identity and personal preferences. It can be a way to better understand their own attractions, interests, and individuality. Engaging in brief glances at other women allows men to reflect on their desires and preferences, helping them gain insight into their identity and what they find appealing. This exploration is not automatically driven by dissatisfaction with their partner but rather a natural inclination to discover and define themselves within the context of attraction and relationships.
How to stop him from checking other women out! Judge whether it's actually a problem
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The first important step is to actually determine whether it's a serious problem or not! If there's no issue, then there's no reason to bring anything up. While the occasional glance every now and then isn't going to be an issue, it becomes a problem if he's doing something inappropriate or making it very obvious to other women who then become uncomfortable, as well as making you feel uncomfortable. Only you can gauge whether it's a problem enough for you to bring it up with them and talk about, to assess the situation.
Looking and commenting versus just looking
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One big way that it can shift from 'nothing wrong' to 'this is a serious problem' is whether he's just looking, looking and commenting or - worse - looking and commenting in an extremely inappropriate way! Just looks while he's scanning a room - and if he looks at all strangers the same way regardless of gender - isn't an issue. If he comments on women, it shows he's paying more attention - but it depends what he's saying. Saying something looks nice can be acceptable, but making comments that are more inappropriate or vulgar means it's time to talk about it.
Don't accept that it's 'normal'
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There's an idea in our society that it's just 'normal' for a man to look at other women and it doesn't really mean anything - it's just something a partner has to accept. But it's okay to accept that actually it's not normal. What can be normal is a man paying attention to an attraction woman passing by, by noticing her - that's a natural thing to do. What's no natural is his eyes focusing on her body too obviously, for too long, or him watching her long after she's moved past! You need to gauge what's 'normal' and what's not.
It's a hormone thing
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Hormones definitely play a role in this kind of behavior, because at the end of the day, men have a lot of testosterone which is going to affect how they react to an 'attractive person', even if that person isn't there partner. They can't help it if their hormones are doing what they're supposed to do, but what they can help is their behavior in response to that. So while hormones might make them look at other women, they themselves can't blame hormones on completely ogling the other person or being inappropriate about it.
Is he doing it without realizing?
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There's always a chance he might not even realize how much he's doing it, or that he's doing it at all. If he's a person that's always naturally looked around at everybody and people-watched and focused on other men as much as women, it could just be that he doesn't even realize you think he's checking other people out, because he's not really having that thought process. So you need to first check whether he's actually meaning to do it as much as you've caught him doing it, by bringing up the subject with him.
It might be a habit he's happy to stop
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As we mentioned, hormones can be a huge factor in looking, but actively looking for too long can be a conscious choice - and a habit which can be broken. When you bring it up with him, he might actually be surprised at how often he's been checking other people out and say that he wants to stop because he doesn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. In this case, it can be a bad habit he wants to break and works to stop doing it as much. He might even ask you to call him out if he does it so you can help him break the habit.
Don't take it too personally
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It's obviously going to feel upsetting if you think your man is looking far too much at other women, especially if you have self-esteem issues or you're going through something difficult that makes you more sensitive to things like that. What's important to remember is that your feelings are valid - and at the same time, you should try to also not take it personally. No matter what you do - whether you're dressed up in a ball gown or in your sweats - he's still going to look at other women, like he's hardwired to do. It's likely he definitely doesn't mean it as a 'she's more attractive than you', because it's not the case for healthy and happy couples.
And you don't need to alter anything you do as a result
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In response to it, though, if the behavior is worrying you, it might make you feel like you have to do something as a result to get his attention back. You might suddenly start doubting your own attractiveness or book in a 7-day-a-week gym session pass because you feel like you need to compete with this other women. Don't! You don't need to do a single thing differently, because it's pretty much guaranteed no matter what you do his eyes are going to wander from time to time. Likely you've paid attention to attractive men on the street, too - it doesn't mean you find your partner any less attractive.
Make sure to point it out when it happens
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At the end of the day, if you think it's happening too much and it is making you feel uncomfortable or affecting your self esteem, of course you should point it out and have a mature conversation about it. It might be that if you don't point it out, he keeps doing it and the situation may even get worse if he begins to do it more and more. A good way to do this is to actually point it out when in public when it happens, because it's fresh in the mind of both of you so that later he can't say 'I don't even remember that'. Just casually bring it up.
But don't be argumentative about it
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It's important not to come across as angry and aggressive about it when you do point it out - especially in a public place. Even if it does make you angry, you need to understand more about why he's doing it and if he even knows he's doing it, so bringing it up calmly or even in a jokey way is a good place to start to gauge his reaction. You don't want him to get defensive right away because he thinks you're starting an argument. Just nudge him and ask if he knows he was staring at that woman. You can then take it from there based on his reaction.
Be honest about how it makes you feel
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Your feelings matter, so it's important to bring it up with your partner about how it makes you feel. To him, it might be something innocent that he genuinely doesn't know is upsetting you, because maybe it wouldn't upset him if it was the other way around. Only when you tell him that actually it's making you upset or uncomfortable might he put his actions in check. It's always important for open communication to bring things up like that, so tell him what it's making you feel: jealous, angry, insecure, worried, curious... anything, just be honest!
Tell him how he can behave differently in future
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Sometimes men might not understand what you expect of them if you don't specifically say what it is you want to change - saying 'I'm upset when you do this' will only get you so far, as he then might be left pondering how he can fix the situation. You shouldn't have to spell it out for him, of course, but in some situations it just helps to suggest how he could do things differently in future. This is particularly important if he's been doing it with people close to you. You could say that in future you'd like it if he didn't stare at a particular area of your friend's body and show her respect!
Don't accept his justifications if they don't make sense
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There are many things he can say in response to you bringing it up, how it makes you feel and how he can do better in future - the right responses are the ones that show understanding of where you're coming from or promises to try better in future. What you shouldn't accept are any justifications that make you feel uncomfortable, or put the person he was looking at in an uncomfortable position (for example, if he says he'll stop looking once your friend wears different clothes!). There shouldn't be a negative justification or excuse for what he's doing.
And don't let him turn the blame round on you!
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Another red flag in what he might do if you bring up the issue with him is to try and twist the blame round on you, no matter what. He might deny any wrongdoing whatsoever and tell you that he isn't even looking at other women and you must be imagining things. This is an example of gaslighting in a relationship, if he's going to try and pretend that he was never doing anything in the first place, and that you're the problem. Remember that you're not the problem. They might even try to twist it and say you were checking other people out, when you weren't.
Disengage if you need to
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If defensive or problematic behavior like this starts as their response to you bringing up the issue, it's okay to choose to disengage from the conversation and go elsewhere, or leave it at that. This is because it's near impossible to reason or argue with someone who is going to gaslight you or trying to avoid any blame for what's happened, so you might as well take a time out and save your energy! Maybe they'll even rethink how they've behaved when they see you do this and it'll give you both the space to think separately about it.
Decide whether it's worth the ongoing fight
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This is the important next step for you to consider, because if this was the very first time you've noticed them looking at someone else, it might be worth just dropping the issue and accepting it isn't really a big deal. However, if it's been recurring behavior where they're constantly doing it, and where it's gotten worse and worse, it's worth pursuing the argument about it if you feel like it's going to affect your relationship going forward, or even if he's going to make you and other women feel uncomfortable. So based on their track record for it, decide whether you should drop it or not!
And make a relationship judgement based on his reaction to you bringing it up
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At this point, if you got a really bad reaction from him (in terms of the blame game or gaslighting) this has now possibly become an issue that doesn't revolve around the checking other people out anymore - because you now have a partner who likes to gaslight or not own up to their wrongdoings, which could spell danger for the future of the relationship. If they do this with one, they're likely going to react to the next discussion or fallout in the same way. So you might want to tackle that issue next in terms of the future of your relationship.
Ask him how you can help him
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It doesn't have to be you against him though, if his reaction is more positive than negative. If he wants to do better then it's important to ask him how you can help, or show him you're willing to help. Maybe he's feeling worried now that your friends or family caught him looking when he didn't even realize he was doing it, so you could offer him advice on how to go about it next time, or what to do differently. Working through it as a team will only help instead of you telling him that you feel upset and him needing to work it out on his own!
You can always give counseling a go
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This can really help if the situation has opened some bigger issues. If he's constantly looking at other people, ogling and making them uncomfortable, upsetting you by doing so, and then being defensive or uncommunicative about how to sort it out, therapy might be a good next step if your relationship has hit a brick wall. There could be something else going on here in terms of why he's checking other people out, or why he feels the need to pretend he isn't, or to invalidate your feelings. You could even go to therapy alone if you don't want couple's therapy - or both!
Ultimately: make a choice!
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And when it comes down to it, you can make a choice for what's best for you and your relationship. What matters here is his attitude to you first bringing up the fact he's looking at other women. In a healthy relationship he should acknowlege your feelings and want to change his habits. Bigger issues like gaslighting, and if therapy doesn't work, might leave you thinking whether it's worth it in the long run - but that's for you and your partner to decide! And always follow your gut instinct based on what you spot when he's doing it!