This Is Why We Should Never Be Friends With An Ex

2 years ago

1. Emotional Baggage

Image Source: Reddit

When you maintain a friendship with your ex, it's challenging to separate the past romantic feelings from the present platonic ones. This can lead to a constant reminder of the relationship's end, making it difficult to heal and move on. Emotional baggage can manifest as sadness, resentment or even anger, hindering the possibility of forming new connections.

2. Trust issues

Image Source: Reddit

If the breakup was accompanied by betrayal or dishonesty, it's challenging to rebuild trust in a friendship. Lingering doubts and skepticism may lead to insecurity and anxiety in the friendship, making it hard to foster a genuine bond. It would also mean potentially taking an unhealthy trust issue into future relationships and potentially damaging them too!

3. Conflicting Expectations

Image Source: Reddit

After a breakup, both individuals may have differing expectations regarding the friendship. One person may genuinely want to maintain a platonic connection, while the other might secretly hope for some form of reconciliation. These conflicting desires can create misunderstandings and emotional turmoil. There may even be a mix in expectations from friends and how they might behave following your break up.

4. Jealousy

Image Source: Reddit

Witnessing your ex dating someone new can evoke feelings of jealousy and discomfort, whether it's in person or scrolling through their social media. Even if you genuinely want the best for them, seeing them with someone else can trigger unwelcome emotions, causing unnecessary pain and complications. This could also lead to you saying something you don't mean and may regret too.

5. Rebound Risks

Image Source: Reddit

Remaining close to your ex can make it challenging to form new, healthy relationships. Potential partners may feel uncomfortable with the continued friendship and doubt your commitment to starting anew. This may prevent you from fully embracing a new chapter in your life. Would you risk a fun relationship with someone new just to have a friendship with someone that isn't emotionally invested in you?

6. Unhealthy Attachments

Image Source: Reddit

Maintaining a friendship with your ex might be a way to cling on to the past and avoid the reality of the breakup. This can hinder the process of closure and prevent both of you from moving forward in your lives. The process of moving on is difficult enough already, it may make it harder to do things like throw away reminders that make you romanticise about your ex.

7. Emotional Manipulation

Image Source: Reddit

In some cases, one party may use the friendship to manipulate or control the other person emotionally. This could involve seeking validation, attention or even trying to rekindle the romantic relationship without being upfront about their emotions. Sometimes one person comes out of the relationship with the upper hand, this can leave the other thinking they can still do something to renegotiate the breakup.

8. Personal Growth

Image Source: Reddit

After a breakup, individuals often go through a period of self-discovery and personal growth. Being friends with your ex might anchor you to an earlier version of yourself, making it difficult to embrace the changes and growth you've undergone. Taking the time to better yourself can help create a better version of yourself for future relationships as well! There is no point in taking one step forwards if you're going to take two steps back!

9. Mixed Signals

Image Source: Reddit

A friendship with an ex can lead to confusion about each other's feelings and intentions. Small gestures or behaviours may be misinterpreted, leading to potential misunderstandings and unnecessary complications. This can spiral into getting yourself worked up and really overthinking what might be a simple gesture or act of friendship. It becomes a lot less simple than a red, amber, green light!

10. Recurring Conflicts

Image Source: Reddit

The same issues that caused the breakup in the first place could resurface in the friendship. Unresolved problems or underlying incompatibilities might hinder the potential for a healthy and harmonious friendship. You wouldn't want a nice occasion like a BBQ or drinks with friends ending up in a shouting match, it doesn't happen all the time but previous emotions can cause such fallout.

11. Comparison Trap

Image Source: Reddit

Being friends can lead to constant comparison with your ex's new life, hindering your own progress. You may also idealize the memories of your relationship, focusing on the positive aspects while overlooking the reasons for the breakup. Nostalgia can create an unrealistic perception of the past, making it difficult to see the relationship for what it truly was.

12. Emotional Dependency

Image Source: Reddit

There can be a real loss of personal identity, relying too heavily on the emotional support and validation from an ex-friend can lead to a loss of personal identity. Your self-worth becomes tied to their approval, making it challenging to make decisions independently. This can also result in an emotional imbalance with one person giving more emotionally than the other.

13. One-Sided Feelings

Image Source: Reddit

One-sided feelings can lead to frustration and disappointment. When one person has lingering romantic feelings, the other person's inability to reciprocate can lead to frustration and disappointment. This can cause emotional pain and tension in the friendship. The friend who still has feelings may also find it challenging to be fully present in the friendship without harbouring hope for reconciliation.

14. Mutual Friends

Image Source: Reddit

If you have mutual friends, there are going to be some awkward social gatherings at first. The presence of both exes can create an uncomfortable atmosphere. Friendships within the group might change, and people may feel compelled to take sides, leading to awkwardness and tension. They also may up finding themselves caught in the middle, and not wanting to have to pick a side, this can strain on both sides of the friendship.

15. Boundary Issues

Image Source: Reddit

The lack of distinction between romantic and friendship can lead to misunderstandings, emotional confusion and even inappropriate behaviours. Without clear boundaries, the friendship may become overly intrusive, with one or both parties expecting constant availability and involvement in each other's lives. Respecting personal space is crucial otherwise it cannot work.

16. Coping Mechanisms

Image Source: Reddit

Heading towards friendship right after a breakup can be a sign of avoiding emotional processing. Maintaining a friendship with your ex can be a way to avoid facing the emotional pain of the breakup. The avoidance hinders the healing process and can lead to unresolved emotions. Putting on a brave face or pretending do be okay is another way to lead yourself towards accidental emotional suppression.

17. Mixed Social Signals

Image Source: Reddit

Engaging in behaviours that could be interpreted as romantic or flirty can confuse both parties, leading to misunderstandings and emotional turmoil. The friendship may become a breeding ground for uncertainty, as you may question each other's intentions and whether certain actions are friendly or suggestive. Having the conversation to set boundaries can also be complex and too suggestive that one side thought that something has potential to happen.

18. Trustworthiness

Image Source: Reddit

There may be lingering doubts surrounding the breakup, if it involved trust issues, it might be challenging to trust your ex-friend as a platonic companion. Doubts about their honesty or intentions can undermine the foundation of friendship. Equally, sharing personal information and thoughts with an ex-friend may raise concerns about confidentiality. It may be difficult to confide if trust was previously broken.

19. Emotional Exhaustion

Image Source: Reddit

Breakups can be tiresome for a whole bunch of reasons. Being with an ex requires ongoing emotional processing, which can be exhausting. The need to navigate complex emotions and relationship dynamics can drain your mental and emotional energy. The ups and downs in the friendship can lead. to emotional unpredictability, leaving you drained and effect your wider life.

20. Different Priorities

Image Source: Reddit

After a breakup, individuals often reevaluate their life goals and priorities. Staying friends may reveal that your paths have diverged significantly, making it challenging to maintain a strong connection. As both of you grow individually, your interests and aspirations may change. These shifts in personal growth can lead to a natural drifting apart in the friendship.

21. Support System Interference

Image Source: Reddit

Mutual friends may have strong opinions about whether the friendship is a good idea or not. Their influence can put pressure on both of you and impact your ability to make independent decisions. Family members might have vested interests in your relationship with your ex. Their interference can complicate matters and create additional stress within the friendship.

22. Unwanted Involvement

Image Source: Reddit

The friendship with your ex might become the subject of gossip and rumours within your social circle, leading to discomfort and unnecessary attention. Unwanted involvement can create a constant reminder of the past, making it difficult to focus on the present and move forward.

23. Fear Of Closure

Image Source: Reddit

Hanging on to hope! Remaining friends can be a way to hold on to the hope of a future reconciliation, which might prevent you from accepting the finality of the break up. The fear of losing a connection and facing loneliness can lead you to cling onto the friendship, even if it's not emotionally healthy to do so. This ultimately leads to avoiding the confrontation with your own feelings while stopping the chance for full closure.

24. Limited growth

Image Source: Reddit

Remaining friends with your ex can create a sense of comfort and familiarity, inhibiting your growth and potential for new experiences. Holding on to the pas can make it challenging to embrace change and adapt to new circumstances, hindering your personal development. It can't be too bad of an idea to go and try other relationships to see what else might suit you better!

25. Reliving The Past

Image Source: Reddit

Reliving the past can keep you emotionally stuck in the same place, preventing you from processing the breakup and healing from the pain. Continuously revisiting the past can lead to idealizing the positive aspects of the relationship while minimizing or forgetting negative ones. This can create an unrealistic view of your ex and the relationship.

26. Emotional Rollercoaster

Image Source: Reddit

Being friends with your ex can result in frequent fluctuations in emotions, ranging from happiness and comfort to sadness and frustration. This emotional instability can be draining and make it difficult to find emotional balance. The emotional rollercoaster can be exacerbated by ambiguous boundaries, where the lines between friendship and romantic blur.

27. Incompatibility

Image Source: Reddit

As friends you may discover that your personalities and values are fundamentally different, leading to frequent conflicts and disagreements. Incompatibility can extend to differing interests and life goals, making it challenging to find common ground and engage in meaningful activities together. People sacrifice little things when they're in love, something that may be harder to do when the relationship becomes platonic.

28. Unhealthy comparisons

Image Source: Reddit

Constantly comparing yourself to your ex or their new partner can lead to a negative self-image, as you might perceive yourself as inferior or inadequate in comparison. Unhealthy comparisons can fuel feelings of jealousy and resentment towards your ex and anyone they may be involved with, leading to toxic emotions. Focusing on these comparisons can distract you from your own personal growth and self-improvement.

29. Missed Opportunities

Image Source: Reddit

Being stick in a friendship with your ex might prevent you from emotionally investing in new relationships or opportunities that come your way. Remaining friends with your ex can also hinder you from meeting new people and potentially forming meaningful connections outside of your existing social circle, both romantically and platonically.

30. Risk Of Rekindling

Image Source: Reddit

There is also the huge risk of one person rekindling old feelings. When you remain close to your ex, you expose yourself to their charm, affection and familiarity, which can trigger a resurgence of romantic emotions. This rekindling can lead to confusion, emotional turmoil, and a desire to revisit the past, making it challenging to move on and find closure.

31. And what should you never do after a breakup? Don't stalk them on social media!

image source: reddit.com

It's definitely not healthy to be doom scrolling your ex on social media, it's only going to make you more upset and waste time and energy. Not only that, but (as we know) nothing is as it seems on social media, when your ex could be posting 'happy' posts pretending they're great and moving on when they're actually not. But to you, it's just going to seem real and hurt you!

32. Don't stay friends with them on social media either

image source: reddit.com

We've said all the reasons it doesn't work trying to stay friends with your ex, and that also counts on social media, too. Staying friends on social media just means you still have that connection to them, so they're going to pop up on your feed, or make it harder for you to resist clicking that profile button and seeing what they've been up to... just delete them as friends!

33. Don't try to get info from mutual friends

image source: reddit.com

Getting over an ex is more difficult when you both have mutual friends and acquaintances, because there's still that connection you can't get rid of. But one of the worst things you can do is use these people as middle men to try and get snippets of information from them, like 'soo.... have you spoken to (X) recently? Are they going to that party?' Just don't do it!

34. If they're dating someone new, don't compare yourself to them

image source: washingtonpost.com

Relationships don't work out, but a failed relationship is no reflection of your worth as a person. This is why you should never compare yourself to someone new that your ex is dating. It's easy to try and find out everything about them and judge based on looks, thinking they must be prettier than you, or more likeable than you, and that's why your ex is with them... but it's simply not the case.

35. Don't feel sorry for yourself for too long

image source: refinery29.com

It's very important to acknowledge your own emotions after a breakup, and you're allowed to feel in pain, sad and sorry for yourself. But one thing you shouldn't do is let this go on for way too long. It's only going to negatively impact your life and health. We know it's easier said than done, but allow yourself a time to be sad and then try to pick yourself up again after you've given yourself time.

36. Don't neglect taking care of yourself

image source: reddit.com

One thing that is going to make you feel so much worse when recovering from a breakup is failing to take care of yourself physically. And honestly, no ex is worth being unhealthy over and compromising your own wellbeing. Things like making sure you're showering, making sure you're exercising and making sure you're eating healthily are all so important.

37. And you definitely shouldn't act like everything is fine

image source: reddit.com

You might think it's worse if you act sad and difficult all the time after a breakup, but actually one of the worst things you can do is the opposite: acting like everything is fine, acting like you're happy, and pushing all that pain and sadness deep down. It's important to let it all out so that you can work through it, heal and move on. Acting like you're fine won't be doing yourself any favors.

38. Don't be so quick to 'stay friends'

image source: reddit.com

We explained why it doesn't usually work staying friends with an ex, but what can make it even more difficult is the impulsive decision to stay friends. If you're shouting 'please can we stay in touch and stay friends' the moment after they've said you're breaking up, it's just not going to work. Give yourself time away from them to work through it because after a while you're going to realize you don't want them in your life at all. And you don't want to realize that after you've already said 'yeah, we'll definitely stay in touch'.

39. Try not to let it affect your job

image source: reddit.com

We know how difficult it is to have to do your normal daily job when you're feeling so low and demotivated. Your mood is bound to seep into your everyday work, but it's important to try your hardest to not let it negatively impact your job. At the end of the day, you're going to eventually get over a painful breakup, and when you reach that point, you don't want to have risked your job. So don't be tempted to phone in sick because you can't be bothered, or perform badly with your responsibilities, because your job needs to be there in the end even if your ex isn't!

40. Or your social life, for that matter!

image source: reddit.com

It can also be really tempting when going through a breakup to shut yourself off and stop seeing people you're close to. While you're allowed to have this period of time alone to work through things, don't let the breakup ultimately sabotage how much you used to enjoy going out or being around people. So make sure to make tiny steps towards getting back to normal.

41. Don't keep seeing them to find 'closure'

image source: reddit.com

It can be really difficult after a breakup to have that one person just suddenly not be a part of your life. That can lead exes to meeting up on occasion to still talk about everything, because even though you're officially broken up, you still feel like you want to talk about it or work through it or just have an excuse to meet up. You're not really going to find the closure you seek in these situations, and the best closure is just to cut them off and move on!

42. Don't jump into dating again

image source: reddit.com

You definitely don't want to go down the rebound route or start dating immediately a breakup - your emotions are going to be all over the place, you need time to yourself and to figure out what you want from a partner, as well as the fact it's not really fair to the new person you're dating if you're not in a good state to commit again yet! Give yourself time.

43. But don't completely shut yourself off, either

image source: reddit.com

It can also go the opposite way where you refuse to date ever again, and react negatively to any sort of compliment or interest thrown your way. It's important to give yourself time to recover before you step into the dating scene again, but also don't shut yourself off from love completely just because you've been hurt or because you think you won't find anyone again.

44. Be careful with drunk texting/calling!

image source: reddit.com

You might have been doing so well in resisting texting them, calling them or looking at their social media... when you're sober! If you know that you're likely to try and contact them when you've had a few drinks, you need to make sure there's a way you don't do that. Ask a friend to make sure you don't send any messages, or even just delete their number from your phone so that you don't have it to be tempted by!

45. And don't hook up with them

image source: reddit.com

Another thing you definitely shouldn't do is casually hook up with them. This isn't going to help you get over them at all - and you're even going to start to think there's still some hope if they're still interested in hooking up with you. It's easy to do because the feelings are still going to be there at first, but in the long run, hooking up is just going to make it take longer - and be more painful - to get over them.

46. Don't keep hold of their stuff

image source: reddit.com

It's also important to purge as much as possible after a breakup so that you can move on, and that includes getting rid of any of their things you still have. If it's things you can't give back to them, or things like concert tickets or photos of your time together, you need to just get rid of it. Otherwise, you're going to spend your time going back over everything and it'll just hurt more.

47. Don't keep haunting your favorite spots as a couple

image source: reddit.com

You might also start visiting places you went to with them, or places that were special to the both of you, because you miss it. But this is also one of the worst things you can do, because it's just going to make it more painful and mean that you're revisiting the past instead of moving on. So instead of going to sit on the park bench you always went to together, find a new one!

48. Don't play 'your song' on repeat

image source: reddit.com

Most couples will have 'a song', or there's probably a sad love song you've had on repeat after the breakup that makes you cry curled up on the sofa. Don't be tempted to play your song on repeat because it just means you're clinging onto those old memories and it's not going to do you any good. The more you listen to the song, the less likely you're getting over them.

49. Try to let the anger go

image source: reddit.com

There are many emotional stages after a breakup, and sadness can very quickly turn to anger - either at them, at yourself, or both! Anger can be difficult because you can hold onto it. Being angry is easier than being sad, after all. But holding onto anger can be just as dangerous as sadness, and it means you're just going to stay stressed and worked up about it when you should be healing.

50. Honestly? Don't waste your time thinking about them

image source: reddit.com

When you're tempted to do anything that relates to them, like browse their social media for hours or go through your box of memories, it's only going to be your own precious time wasted. The best thing to do in this circumstance is to imagine them doing something - like a hobby, or being with a new partner - and not even thinking about you. Sure, it hurts, but it'll remind you that you shouldn't waste your own time thinking about them when they're not thinking about you.