What Men Say Vs. What They Actually Mean

By Paula Tudoran 1 year ago

“I’ll call you.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "I'm not going to call you. Well, I might. Probably not, though."It's like a dangling carrot, a hint of potential connection that's as uncertain as British weather. It's the equivalent of saying, "I might water that plant someday," but the plant wilts while you're left waiting for a call that's as elusive as a unicorn sighting. Sure, there's a slim chance the call might come through, but betting on it is like investing in a penny stock — high risk, low reward. In reality, it's less a promise and more a "maybe if the stars align and I remember."

“I’m not really looking for a relationship right now.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "I just want sex. What do you think?"

Let's decode this message with utmost honesty: It's not that I'm disinterested in you as a person; it's just that my current focus is less "Mr. Right" and more "Mr. Right Now." Think of it as being on a relationship diet — I'm opting for the à la carte option instead of the full-course meal. But hey, I'm also open to a side of companionship with a sprinkling of fun. So, what's your take on our little love buffet?

“Can we talk about this later?”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "Could you please shut the f*** up?"

This one's similar to postponing a dentist appointment you're dreading. Translation: Your words are bouncing around in my skull like a frenzied pinball, and I need a moment of mental peace. Could you kindly pause the monologue so I can regain my composure? I promise we'll revisit this discussion, but right now, my brain needs a timeout. It's not that I'm avoiding the conversation — I’m just hitting the emotional pause button before we both end up in metaphorical straitjacket.

“You really know how to eat.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "Life is good."

You, my dear, are a culinary artist, and I'm here for it. It's not just about devouring the meal, but the joy that radiates from you while doing so. Your choices, your bites, and the look of pure bliss — it's a symphony of satisfaction that sings to my soul. Yes, it's a nod to your appetite, but more so, it's a tribute to the happiness you exude when enjoying life's little pleasures.

“My ex was kind of crazy.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "Please reveal your craziness ASAP, so I don't have to go through that again."

Ah, the ex-files, where the tales of former relationships are stored. But let me be clear: when I say "crazy," I don't mean "quirky and cute." I'm talking about the kind of crazy that makes an episode of "Black Mirror" seem like a romantic comedy. I'm laying it out here — I've already danced that tango, and trust me, my sanity can only handle so much choreography. So, if you've got any emotional skeletons lurking, now's the time to air them. Let's avoid the surprise plot twists, shall we?

“She’s just a friend.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "I’m flattered by your jealousy, but I swear I’ve never had sex with her. If I had, we probably wouldn’t still be friends."

A classic line with more layers than an onion. Here's the scoop: you're awesome, and I dig that you're a tad bit jealous. But let me assure you, this lady is strictly in the "friend" zone. I mean, we all know the Titanic hit the iceberg, but we're still hanging out on the ship. If there had been any romantic escapades, trust me, that friendship boat would have sunk faster than you can say "awkward." So, let's keep the jealousy flames in check and focus on us.

“You look amazing in that dress.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "Can we go now?"

Sure, you're stunning in that dress, but let’s be efficient with our admiration. Yes, I’ve noticed the effort you've put into looking fabulous, and trust me, I'm not blind. But let's not drag out this runway show into an epic-length feature film. Compliments have been delivered, now can we shift gears to action mode? We both know that while the dress is fantastic, the real showstopper is the great time we're about to have. So, can we please get on with the main event?

“That’s not what I meant!”

Image Source: The Irish Sun

Translation: "You took that worse than I thought."

You see, words are like emojis — they rarely convey the full picture. My intentions weren’t malicious, but I'm now witnessing the mushroom cloud of misinterpretation. Your reaction is akin to using a flamethrower to light a birthday candle. Rest assured, my aim wasn’t to create chaos — it was just a comedic misfire. So, let’s recalibrate and remember that life's too short for unintended drama.

“It’s a guy thing.”

Image Source: Twitter

Translation: "Can we drop it?"

It also means you're on the way to an impenetrable fortress. Sure, you're welcome to try and storm the walls of my male stronghold, but here's the thing: there's no treasure hidden inside — just a bunch of guy stuff that you might not relate to. It's not about exclusion; it's more about sparing you from a bewildering tour through the labyrinth of testosterone. Can we skip the expedition and proceed to calmer shores? It's not a battle worth fighting — trust me.

“I like a girl who doesn’t wear any makeup.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "Don't paint yourself up like a clown. I want you looking your best."

Let's clarify: the "no makeup" vibe doesn't mean I'm advocating for a "bedhead and sweatpants" aesthetic. It's more about appreciating the natural canvas sans the layers that could rival a seven-tier cake. I want you to feel comfortable, confident, and free to express yourself as you see fit. In short, be yourself, but consider my occasional love for a little "extra."

“Let me give you a massage.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "Let’s have sex."

While the offer of a massage might seem like an innocent act of generosity, it's actually a cleverly veiled invitation for something steamier. The hands-on experience isn't just about kneading away your stress — it's more about creating a sensual atmosphere where boundaries blur, and temperatures rise. So, if you're up for a different kind of relaxation — one that involves less lavender oil and more... intensity — let’s dim the lights and rewrite the massage playbook.

“Did you cum?”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "I need validation that I was at least adequate in bed."

Let’s address the elephant in the room: my anxiety. As much as I want to channel my inner Casanova, a nagging insecurity lurks. This question isn't just about bragging rights; it's about confirming that I didn't mess things up too royally. Rest assured, I'm not seeking a gold star — just a nod that I wasn't a complete fiasco. Consider it the post-game analysis of our bedroom Olympics — with me hoping that I at least made it to the podium.

“I’m okay.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "Please stop asking me if I’m okay."

I appreciate your concern, really, but repeating the question isn't like shaking a Magic 8-Ball for a different answer. Rest assured, I'm not channeling my inner Shakespeare with hidden depths of emotion. It's more like my emotional fuel gauge is hovering in the "sufficient" zone. So, let’s save the emotional bandwidth for something that truly warrants it, like discussing whether to order pizza or Chinese takeout for dinner.

“We need to take a little break.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "I've been trying to get you to dump me."

It’s not so much a timeout as it is a subtle, strategic way to push you towards the "exit" sign. Think of it as a breakup on layaway — I've been slipping hints like breadcrumbs to lead you down the path of realization. While it might appear like a momentary pit stop, it's more like I've opened the escape hatch and I'm inching toward it.

“Hey, do you know where my sweatshirt is?”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "I want it back."

I'm not casually inquiring about the whereabouts of my trusty sweatshirt out of sheer curiosity. It’s not a Sherlock Holmes mystery; I'm not searching for lost artifacts. The reality is, I’m not asking for a guided tour of your wardrobe; I want my sweatshirt back. So, if you've been wearing it like a trophy of conquest, please return it to its rightful owner — me.

“How do you know that guy?”

Image Source: YouTube

Translation: "Have you had sex with him?"

It's not a casual inquiry about his favorite hobbies — it's more like a covert investigation into potential romantic affiliations. I’m not just trying to be your personal biographer; I’m attempting to unearth any secret alliances that might make me question your taste in company. Let's not play hide-and-seek with the truth — I'd rather know if this dude is an old pal or a romantic ghost from your past.

“I’m really tired.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "Of course I still want to have sex, just… you get on top."

Let’s not confuse exhaustion with disinterest. The fire is alive and well, but my energy levels might resemble a deflated balloon. It's not a no, it's more like a creative workaround — a suggestion for a different angle of engagement. Think of it as a strategic shift in the game plan. It’s not that I'm shying away from intimacy — it's more about maintaining the momentum while conserving some energy for the grand finale. So, how about a slight change in strategy?

“I don’t care.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "Let's just skip the conversation and go straight to that. For the love of God, just tell me where we’re going to eat tonight."

This one's like a Jedi mind trick designed to fast-forward through the decision-making process. Translation: I care about your preferences as much as I care about the color of my socks right now. Your suggestion is cool, but let's not pretend I am deeply interested in debating the pros and cons of Italian versus Mexican cuisine for the umpteenth time. Can we teleport to the part where we're devouring a meal, and I can finally stuff my face with those glorious carbs? So, just throw a restaurant name at me, and let’s make food magic happen.

“Let me cook you dinner.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "Come over to have sex."

Food for thought: the recipe for dinner might include a dash of flirtation, a sprinkle of seduction, and a pinch of anticipation. You see, this isn't just about showcasing my culinary prowess — it's about creating an intimate setting where our appetites for both food and each other can be indulged. Consider it a dining experience that's garnished with more than just herbs — it’s a feast for all the senses.

“How many guys have you slept with?”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "I'm sabotaging our relationship."

The counterproductive question that’s more like a grenade with the pin pulled. The truth won’t set me free; it’ll just lead to a mental minefield. So, consider this my way of stirring the pot and hoping you come up with an answer that aligns with my delicate sensibilities. Brace yourself for an emotional rollercoaster!

“I was kidding.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "Oops, you saw right through my humor. This is me backpedaling."

A strategic retreat masked as a joke. You've cracked the code — I was attempting to smuggle my true thoughts under the camouflage of humor. It's like I tried to sneak a watermelon past you while dressed as a clown, but you saw right through the floppy shoes. So, yes, I was serious, but now I'm in full acrobatic mode, somersaulting away from my momentarily exposed honesty. Consider this my comedic gymnastics routine, complete with a triple backflip to divert attention from the truth.

“I didn’t want to bug you.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "I didn’t include you to avoid drama."

In the realm of missteps, this is the "I-stepped-on-a-landmine" equivalent. It's not about sparing you from minor inconveniences but about my fear of unleashing a tempest of emotions. I chose the path of omission, assuming it’s the lesser of two evils. Truth be told, it’s less about bugging you and more about dodging a potential eruption. Can we tiptoe away from this awkward silence and find a way to navigate the murky waters?

“We should start exercising.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "You're getting fat."

It’s not just a casual suggestion for a shared fitness journey; it's also a mirror reflecting my perception of your physical state. Think of it as a passive-aggressive reminder that your curves might be in need of some straightening. While the gym might seem like a noble endeavor, it’s also a commentary on your physique that I’m too polite to directly address.

“I never watch porn.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "I watch a ton of porn, but got caught once, so this is a lie."

See, once upon a time, my browser history revealed more than I intended. And now, I’ve decided to take the high road, even if it's paved with little white lies. So, while I play the role of the aloof saint who wouldn’t touch porn with a ten-foot pole, the reality is quite different. I'm not exactly chasing sanctity here — it's just that, occasionally, I'd rather keep my carnal explorations behind closed doors and encrypted passwords.

“I never masturbate."

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "I've cut down to three times a day."

The delicate topic of self-love! I'll admit, I'm not upholding a vow of celibacy. In fact, I've given my palm quite the workout. But, hey, don't fret — I've drastically reduced my "personal time" to only a few sessions a day. It's like trading in a fast-food habit for a healthier meal plan. So, while my declaration might sound virtuous, it's more like I've moved from "all-you-can-eat" to a "three-course meal" of self-appreciation. Progress, right?

“I’m not angry.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "Let's not make it a big thing, okay?"

In the realm of emotional states, "not angry" often translates to "I’m-totally-trying-to-avoid-a-confrontation-here." It’s like trying to convince a storm not to rain — it's futile. My goal is clear: avoid the impending thunderstorm of arguments and maintain some level of tranquility. While it's not a full-on emotional meltdown, it’s also not an invitation to pry. So, let’s nod and smile, and perhaps sweep this emotional tempest under the rug.

“It’s my fault; I’m sorry.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "Congratulations, you wore me down. Can we have sex now?"

Let’s be real — we’ve been fencing verbally for ages, and I’m waving my epee of pride in defeat. You've chipped away at my armor of stubbornness, and I've realized it's time for a ceasefire. And as a reward for your victorious debating skills, how about we engage in some horizontal negotiations? So, let’s put down the verbal swords and engage in a more... amorous exchange of ideas.

“Strip clubs are gross.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "I love naked women, but I like women who might actually have sex with me much, much more."

On one hand, the allure of an exotic venue is tempting, like a moth to a flame. But let’s get real — it's not the ambiance that draws me; it's the living, breathing people. And don’t be mistaken, I'm not looking for an art critique or deep conversations in dimly lit corners. If I want to connect, I'd rather it be with someone who has an interest in more than a dollar bill. So, while strip clubs might have a certain charm, I'm seeking a connection that's less about dollar bills and more about genuine thrills.

“I really like you.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "How about we have sex?"

While the sentiment is genuine, the subtext is a tad steamier. Consider this declaration a two-for-one deal — yes, I'm into you emotionally, but I'm also extending an invitation for a more... intimate connection. It's not a secret plan to hijack your heart; it's more like a proposition to explore the realms of both emotional and physical connection. So, how about we mix some romance into the chemistry?

“I love you.”

Image Source: Reddit

Translation: "I'm crazy about you and don't want to see anyone else. I could see you spending the rest of my life with." (If said during sex, no guarantees.)

Here’s the grand finale of affection, a sentence as loaded as a baked potato at a buffet. In its pristine form, it’s a declaration of my feelings bordering on the realm of commitment. It’s like laying down a joker card in the game of emotional poker — I’m going all-in with this sentiment. Blame it on the temporary blood diversion — it’s affection in the heat of the moment, perhaps with an expiration date.