Feelings Every Man Has After A Break Up

Shock

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Whether you see a breakup coming a mile off, or it blindsides you like an unscheduled train at a level crossing, one of the first thing's you'll experience is overwhelming shock. Did that really just happen? Is it really all over? After all your ups and downs, is this...IT?

It can leave you reeling

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Shock is a potent emotional experience! We've all seen in the movies when people get those shiny blankets to wrap up in after a major ordeal? Well, we all need an emotional shiny blanket to help us through the emotionally impactful effects of a recent break up.

Physical feelings

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And because shock is so potent, it can even have physical effects on your body. After a break up that's knocked him for six, he might experience a racing heartbeat, nausea, shaky hands, or shortness of breath. It can be really frightening if you don't know what it is!

Disbelief

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Again, depending on who has done the dumping, he might be left with a feeling of utter disbelief; a feeling that the break up can't really have just happened. Even if he was the one to pull the plug himself, it might feel surreal to have finally done it.

It will take a hot sec to sink in

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This disbelief might just be the actuality of being broken up sinking in, slowly- everyone absorbs the realities of life at slightly different paces. It means that the flood of emotions we're about to explore might not kick in right away after a parting of the ways.

Sadness

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Ok, this is a biggie. Whether they're the dumpee, the dumper, or even if it was truly a mutual splitting up (these are VERY rare) a big hitter of emotional reactions will be sadness. Whatever the reasons for the break up, there were reasons they were together in the first place!

The Break Up Blues

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That means there must have been happy times in the relationship, some wonderful memories, so some sadness to wave goodbye to those is almost inevitable. Whether he ever chooses, or manages, to express that sadness is of course another matter altogether.

Grief

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If he's truly heartbroken by this parting, he might experience feelings of grief. I know grief sounds a bit like sadness, but it hints at something more- something deeper- and may encompass something more intangible than just common or garden sadness.

It comes in 5 stages

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People who've gone through grief, whether after a bereavement or indeed another type of significant loss, might be familiar with the 'five stages of grief'. It was psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross who laid these out in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying", and men may go through some or all of these stages after a breakup.

Bargaining

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How many times, after a break up, have we thought 'if only I can get them back I'll...'. When heartbroken, you'd offer anything, cut any kind of deal with the universe to just go back to the way things were. Even when it feels irrational, mentally bargaining is a natural instinct.

Anger

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They might experience anger after a break up. This is an obvious reaction when there's been some kind of betrayal, infidelity, or neglect that's brought an end to the relationship. But, even break ups that are totally amicable can prompt an anger response.

*Shakes fist at sky*

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Even if the anger isn't directed at their ex, it might just be a general feeling of indignation or rage that builds up post break up. If circumstances are the thing breaking you up, like distance for instance, you might end up just angry at the world in general.

Confusion

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If you've ever been dumped out of the blue, you'll know this feeling. The utter bewilderment and disorientation of it, leaving you reeling and asking "what went wrong?". If everything was fine as far as they were concerned, they might feel huge feelings of confusion.

The brain can get bamboozled by it all

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But even when the cause of the break up is clear (big arguments, moving countries), you're still gonna get confusion buzzing around in the old brain box- there's no escape! Because your system is trying to deal with a whirlwind of emotions, it can all become a bit of a muddle in there.

Numbness

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When you get overwhelmed by too many powerful, potent emotions, one thing that can happen is a feeling of numbness. The emotional equivalent of sleeping funny on your arm and waking up to it entirely dead feeling- which, by the way, I absolutely HATE.

The flood of emotions may be around the corner...

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It doesn't mean he doesn't have strong feelings about the break up. He may turn out to be overwhelmingly relieved, wracked with guilt, or devastatingly sad- but emotional numbness has to be allowed to wear off before any of these things really come out.

Relief

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Lots of people wait it out for months, or even years, before finally pulling the plug on a relationship that isn't meant to be. This may seem utterly unhinged and, when you're on the receiving end of that information during a break up we wouldn't blame you for expressing that.

People delay a dumping for lots of reasons

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But, people do this delaying for a lot of reasons- not all of which are bad or selfish. Whilst for some people it's purely a case of apathy or nerves, others are waiting to make absolutely sure that they want to end things before they throw the relationship in the trash! A fondness for what did work in the relationship can leave them hankering to save it, even when it's clear it isn't going to work long term.

Hope

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A stale relationship, or worse an actively unhappy one, can be such a rut to be stuck in. When something like that ends, one of the primary emotions might be a feeling of hope: a hope that better times are on the horizon, or that there's a happier relationship out there for you both.

Regret

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Regret is a textbook reaction to a break up, a sense of not knowing what you have until it's gone. Regretting his actions during the relationship, regretting his words and reactions during the break up itself- or regretting he didn't beat you to it (yikes)!

Loss of self esteem

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This one hurts! Post break up a person's' confidence can absolutely flatline. Whether it's because they've been dumped, or because they don't have their constant cheerleader by their side, they may struggle to keep their self image positive. Recent dumpees need lots of supportive friends around!

Loneliness

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So they have a partner: a best mate, a lover, a constant companion, someone to spend each moment of their day either with or thinking about. Someone to run things by, someone to come home to. And then BAM- they're not someone you can even text. Result: loneliness.

Guilt

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It might be of comfort to anyone who's had a really lousy boyfriend who seems to have no idea that he's lousy: the guilt of what they've done may well catch up with them in the end! Whilst you can't take someone for court for being a crap boyf, maybe after a little reflection they'll realise just how crumby their behaviour was, and they'll end up judging themselves.

Realising what they took for granted

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This is the kind of thing that gets men running back, and begging for forgiveness- creating some real "look who's come crawling back" moments. The realisation that they were taking their partner for granted is a horrifying moment for them (but we can't say we have too much sympathy!)

Anxiety

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If you're anything like me, almost any big life change brings anxiety- even good ones! It's the feeling of being unsettled, and of routines being turned on their heads, that can lead to a lot of post break up angst. On top of that, they might have worries swirling about whether it was the right choice or if they just made a big mistake.

Self doubt

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Ah, our old friend; Self Doubt. Many of us know him well! Popping up at (in)convenient times like job interviews, first dates, and trivia nights. Post split is one of his favorite times- when someone has lost their partner in crime and biggest supporter, self doubt is on the cards.

Stress

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Was it the right decision? What if I said something more? Will all these feelings last forever?? Constant uncertainty isn't just exhausting, it's stressful. All these retrospective 'what if's' are a sure fire way to stress. And imagine situations where a break up means dividing up property or moving out- stress city!!

Excitement

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If male on male friendships are anything like I understand them to be (and by which I mean somewhat stunted/repressed but generally well meaning) he might be sent a lot of messages inviting him for drinks, boys nights, and golfing trips by way of support. He may well be excited to spend some quality bro time.

Acceptance

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After all that (the shock, numbness, regret, guilt, doubt, stress, excitement, hope, bargaining and whatever else is going on in this emotional nightmare), after all that comes acceptance. Unless he's going to stew bitterly on this for the rest of his life (and some people do choose this approach unfortunately) there has come a day where he makes his peace with the breakup.

Hang on a minute, this is all sounding quite familiar...

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I know what you're thinking- these things that men feel after a break up are sounding very familiar indeed. I guess that's because, when it comes to love and the heartbreak it can put us through, we're not so different after all. Perhaps they aren't from Mars?