Signs You’re Emotionally Unavailable

2 years ago

1. Avoiding Commitment - no labels

Image source Taurus Man SecretsFor an emotionally unavailable partner, the word 'commitment' would make them run a mile. The label would be highly likely to cause fear and anxiety. The person may go out of their way to discuss making plans for the future and try changing the subject as they develop a hot sweat!

2. Struggle To Discuss Feelings -change the subject

Image source RedbookEmotionally unavailable people expect closeness and intimacy can only end one way - and that is that it will lead them into getting hurt. To avoid these emotions entirely, they may re-direct the conversation back to you or even suggest 'cooling' it for a while, even before it has hotted up!

3. Just Finished A Relationship - too soon to commit

Image source Hey SigmundIf you have just got out of (or escaped) your last relationship, you might not be emotionally ready for the next one, Sticking to casual dating is a good way of getting yourself back out there and in a good head space but, diving into a new relationship could leave a part of your heart closed as it heals from the past.

4. Send Mixed Messages - can't work them out

Image source A Conscious RethinkEmotionally unavailable people can be very confusing. They can be all over you one minute and keeping you at a distance the next. They may say they see a future with you but then avoid the subject if you bring it it up. Sending mixed messages to you should be a warning sign to take things slowly, unless you're ready to settle down, in which case, look elsewhere.

5. Make You Feel You're The Problem - won't open up

Image source Overcomers CounsellingThe way that an emotionally unavailable person acts towards you can make you feel frustrated and unwanted. If you get vulnerable and open up to them about personal stuff, they might not have a sympathetic response. Then you may wonder if it's you that's the problem.

6. They're Surface Level - no depth

Image source MensXPEmotionally unavailable people often struggle to take conversations to a new, deeper level and will avoid ones that centre on the nature of your relationship. They prefer to stick to trivial and light hearted topics which can be very frustrating as you can't tap into their emotions.

7. Won’t Ask You About Your Feelings - no emotion

Image source FirstCry ParentingSo, in redirecting the conversation back to you, an emotionally unavailable partner probably won’t ask you specific questions about yourself and how you're feeling. They’re more likely to ask vague questions such as, 'What are you thinking?' to deflect from themselves. They wouldn't ask if anything was wrong or query if you are feeling sad.

8. Unclear About What They Want From Relationship - or from you

Image source QuoraWhen confronted with conversations about their feelings towards you or how the relationship is going in general, emotionally unavailable partners may stay vague about their intentions or they claim to want a relationship but not act as if this is the case.

9. Struggle To Respond -when you share feelings

Image source BetterHelpEven though they may re-direct the conversation back to you, in order to avoid sharing their own feelings, you can expect that the more feelings you share with an emotionally unavailable partner, the more they will continue to distance themselves and pull away. They won't want to access their own emotional experiences which can be very frustrating for the other person.

10. Say They Can’t Trust You - but is it them?

Image source AskAprilDespite not committing to a relationship with you, the emotionally unavailable partner often expresses the opinion that they have a trust issue with YOU! This can stem from a fear of getting hurt and it is their way of protecting themselves - or so they think.

11. You Do All The Relationship Work - no effort from them

Image source Psychology TodayYour partner may be emotionally unavailable if you find it's you who gets vulnerable or who tries to solve any problems in the relationship. Your other half may be keeping one foot out of the door and not want to put the effort in, for fear of becoming vulnerable themselves.

12. Can Take Days To Answer A Text - keeping you hanging

Image source QuoraBesides being inconsistent about what they actually want from you in the relationship, emotionally unavailable partners tend to be generally all over the place. When you text them, they could take hours or even days to respond, claiming to be 'too busy'. If they start ghosting you, you need to have a serious think (as you wont be able to have a serious talk).

13. Get Defensive - to hide their feelings

Image source HubPagesWhen confronted, an emotionally unavailable partner tends to answer in a very defensive manner instead of expressing their true feelings. They may blame you so they don't have to confront themselves over their emotions. These hurtful games can be very frustrating for the other person.

14. Don’t Introduce You To Friends And Family - keeping you at arm's length

Image source RomantificIf you haven’t met your partner’s family or friends, after a few months of dating, this may be a sign that you’re dating an emotionally unavailable person. They are wanting to keep you at arm’s length so they can avoid building vulnerability and intimacy. These games aren't funny.

15. Don’t Have History Of Serious Relationships - long term issue

Image source InsiderWhile relationship history alone does not determine whether a partner is emotionally unavailable, not having a history of a serious or long-term relationship may certainly be a clue. These type of people tend to leave a relationship just before it gets too serious.

16. Tell You They Aren't Ready For A Serious Relationship - will they ever be?

Image source BetterHelpSome emotionally unavailable people are aware of what they are like and say it's just the say they are. When they 'warn' a new partner, they think they are doing the right thing and being in control. What they don't realise is that sharing emotions and vulnerability with a loved one, cements a relationship and makes you happier.

17. Keep Options Open - do they want an open relationship?

Image source HealthlineSuggesting an open relationship or keeping options open is an indication of emotional unavailability. If this suits both parties, then fine but it's likely that one of you, at least, will start to develop stronger feelings for the other, which they might hope would turn into a proper partnership.

18. Make You Feel Relationship Is A Job - it drains you

Image source Melan MagazineEmotionally unavailable people tend to make the other person work harder and this other person could end up feeling drained at the hard work they have to undertake to sustain the union. They know that as soon as they speak on an emotional level, they are likely to get shut down which can be very tiring and frustrating.

19. Relationship Anxiety - they worry unnecessarily about you

Image source RapplerEmotionally unavailable people tend to worry about their partners. They can be concerned at the state of their relationship and possible outcome of it. Often down to a lack of confidence, they can sink into an anxious state and hold all their feelings inside.

20. Avoid Subject Of Commitment - whenever it's brought up

Image source BustleWhile you may initially agree to a date or admit to wishing you were in a serious relationship, when the opportunity finally presents itself, emotionally unavailable people tend to force themselves to have a change of heart. They think they want to hold on to their independence but the truth is that they are frightened of commitment and can't embrace it.

21. Struggle To Trust - it's their insecurities

Image source The Gottman InstituteIf you’re emotionally unavailable, you might struggle to trust your partner, even if they appear to be the angel sent from heaven. They can be the most honest and trustworthy person on the planet but, due to your own insecurities, you'll switch it around to make yourself feel better.

22. Don't Communicate Consistently - clam up at times

Image source A Conscious RethinkIf someone is leaving you guessing as to when they are going to contact you, chances are that they are not emotionally available to truly connect and make you feel heard and wanted. When someone is there for you and vice versa, it's happy days for the both of you.

23. Feel Overwhelmed By Emotional Intimacy - like to be on their own

Image source Firstcry ParentingEmotionally unavailable people often pretend to be very independent and self-sufficient. This is an illusion used to evade being vulnerable with their feelings. Wanting space in a relationship can be a sign of emotional control but often can be a reflection of their discomfort with intimacy, not just physical but, more importantly, emotionally.

24. Seem To Want Perfection - it doesn't exist

Image source Exploring Your MindIf you feel like you need everything to be perfect, to keep someone interested in you, then you are mistaken. Everyone has their faults but, when you care so much for someone, these fade into the background as there is so much more good stuff going on in the relationship. Sounds like a reason not to get emotionally involved, due to your own hang ups.

25. From Hot To Cold - you can't read them

Image source Glam.com

People who are emotionally unavailable tend to confuse their partners with their hot and cold behaviour. This can feel uncomfortable and scary as you can feel safe and secure one day and out in the cold the next. If you settle for this as being 'just the way it is' , it's probably only a matter of time before one of you breaks it off

26. Withhold Personal Feelings - difficult to connect

Image source marriage.comIf you've found yourself unwilling or unable to share your feelings, you're probably emotionally unavailable. This can includes things like life goals, wishes, regrets, hopes and longings. While it may feel like you're being cautious in giving out everything to your partner, you cold be kidding yourself.

27. Not Flexible - want to keep their own routine

Image source Psych CentralIf you are with someone who is emotionally unavailable, You should not expect them to change even a bit for you. They live a pretty scheduled and controlled life where everything should be practical. They might show fear and avoidance when it comes to making a commitment so be warned.

28. Appear Selfish - greedy about asking about your emotions

Image source NBC News

When you’re in a relationship with someone who’s emotionally unavailable, the relationship tends to revolve around them. They don't consider your feelings, ask about your day, or even wonder about your dreams for the future. You could end up discounting your own needs because you're purring in so much time tending to theirs.

29. Want To Continue Seeing Exes - think it's acceptable

Image source BetterHelpWhile there is an understanding these days about going exclusive, if your partner is emotionally unavailable, they may mention that they are catching up with their exes. You need to ask yourself if its, firstly, ok with you and secondly, a way of them avoiding developing an attachment to one person.

30. Attracted To People They Can't See Often - another city or someone already taken

Image source QuoraThere is a certain excitement in only being able to see someone occasionally because they are not available, for whatever reason. However, if you are in this fantasy relationship because you know it can only stay casual, then you need to accept you have issues with relationships and your emotions. There's nothing better than being with your soul mate and you should work towards this happy future, once you've got rid of the baggage in your head.

31. You've Suffered Something You Haven't Healed From

Image Source / Marisa PeerIf a person experiences feelings of abandonment or even abuse, especially in a romantic relationship from the past, then their emotional availability is going to be compromised going forward if they haven't healed. Withdrawal from feelings can be a coping mechanism for some people.

32. Eye Contact Is Difficult

Image Source / Rees McCannThis one is specifically when the other person is talking about feelings or emotions. If holding eye contact and listening intently during these times is difficult, it can be a sign they're struggling to focus on the present or on the conversation relating to emotions.

33. Sex Is Great - Intimacy Is Not

Image Source / Cleveland Clinic Health EssentialsEmotional intimacy is a lot different to sex, so if a person is eager to have sex and is very comfortable with doing that, that doesn't mean they're okay to be emotionally available. They may be super fine about sex, but not so fine about any other type of intimacy.

34. Uses Humour Or Sarcasm To Deflect Emotion

Image Source / QuartzWhen something makes a person uncomfortable, a lot of the time turning to humor can be a method of coping. If you're having a deep conversation with someone who keeps using jokes or even extreme sarcastic comments to avoid answering questions about emotion, this is a sign.

35. They Invalidate Your Emotions

Image Source / HealthShotsIf they don't want to talk about their emotions or acknowledge what you've said about your own, they might turn it around on your and put focus on invalidating how you feel. They can't reciprocate so they might say something like, 'That's weird to feel like that' or 'Don't you think you're overthinking it?'.

36. Nervous Giggling Or Fidgeting Is Common

Image Source / RedditAnother way of deflecting from deep conversations about emotions can be to just react nervously by audibly laughing because they don't know how to answer, or they may even express discomfort by nervous shuffling or fidgeting.

37. They Focus On Achievements Rather Than Personal Connections

Image Source / BBCThose who aren't able to get what they need from emotions or relationships - or perhaps don't want to - can instead focus on personal accomplishments. Being a workaholic or an overachiever are prime examples of the person putting in the work, care and attention to something that will give them fulfilment in a non-emotion way.

38. They Shut Down

Image Source / iSumsoftIf questioned about emotions, a person who is just not available to that right now might completely shut down. They may not even know what to say or how to even deflect any questions, so they might just stop speaking or communicating altogether.

39. Can't Express Thoughts Clearly

Image Source / Good News NetworkIt's natural that when you're struggling to talk about something you don't want to talk about, what you do say might come out sounding a little confusing. If a person can't think or feel openly about emotions then they won't be able to express their thoughts clearly, either.

40. They Get Angry And Lash Out When Feelings Are Brought Up

Image Source / NBC News

Another defence mechanism, alongside humor, for a lot of people can simply be to get angry. They don't want to talk about emotions so they get on the defensive and have a go at you in the hope that you'll stop taking about emotions/asking about them. Or, they have deep-rooted frustration at themselves not being able to be emotionally available, so they take it out on you and lash out that way.

41. Their Phone Becomes A Prop

Image Source / The Pitt NewsA phone is a handy tool if you want to avoid having conversations or making eye contact with people. Which is very helpful in everyday life, like public transport, but not so much when you're a romantic partner looking to have a deep and meaningful conversation.

42. Superficial Friendships Are The Only Ones They Know

Image Source / Psychology TodayDeep and meaningful relationships also go further than romantic ones - it can also apply to friendships, too. If the person doesn't seem to have any very close friends and only has superficial friendships, it can be a sign they struggle to get emotionally invested.

43. Unimportant Tasks Become Priority Over A Partner

Image Source / Time Doctor blogDistractions are very important for a person who doesn't want to get tied down by emotions, so even the most unimportant tasks will be a welcome distraction from time spent with a partner if it means they don't want to get too deeply attached or spend too much time together.

44. You Only Spend Time Together In A Group

Image Source / Boundless.org

Speaking of time spent together - the person may make sure that you're never alone. If the only time you spend together is in a group, or with at least one other person, it can be a sign they're purposefully trying to orchestrate it so that you're never alone (and therefore can't connect on a deeper, one-on-one level).

45. They Want To Know Everything About You

Image Source / Undark MagazineSomeone who doesn't want to talk about themselves may try to steer every single conversation to have you talking as much as possible about you. They may ask question after question to learn everything about you, so that you can't get a word in edgeways to learn about them.

46. But Will Share Very Little About Themselves

Image Source / Psychology SpotEven if you do manage to get a question or two in, they will still most likely answer in a very short, vague way before turning it back on you before you can even discuss what they've said. If you ask something about them they may even divert by saying 'Ohh no we're talking about you right now!'.

47. They're Playfully Mean

Image Source / Nick Notas

If they're always, always teasing you or being mean in a 'playful' way where they say they're joking but don't mean it, it can be a tactic to keep people from getting too close or to show any sort of emotion that isn't a humorous, teasing way of interacting.

48. Or Just Straight Up Mean

Image Source / Vogue

Of course, the person could also just straight up be mean, without saying it's a joke or teasing. They could just act like a cold, mean person for the very reason that they don't want people to like them or get too close to them, because this would mean an emotional connection.

49. They're Very Judgemental

Image Source / Econlib

If you're a person who's open about their emotions, and most definitely emotionally available, you may find that someone who isn't is very judgemental about how you feel, and about how you express your emotions. They can't cope well with emotions so they just judge you for what you say or how you feel.

50. They're Very Critical

Image Source / Spirituality & Practice

Giving criticism to others is a surefire method people use if they're trying to make up for their own shortcomings, especially if it's to do with emotions. If a person struggles with their own emotions, it's easier for them to just be negative and critical of other people.

51. They Cut People Off At The Drop Of A Hat

Image source ReGain

Letting go of draining relationships is a good idea, but emotionally unavailable people tend do this without consideration for the consequences. Ghosting or blocking someone rather than working through a conflict, can be a sign that you have work to do on yourself as you are creating a distance from anything meaningful.

52. They Match Drama With Intimacy

Image source Marriage.com

If you're a person who enjoys 'the chase', you may be creating an illusion of real emotional intimacy. It may feel exciting but it's not real and could be a sign of emotional manipulation. If you're in it for the drama, you're not giving up anything real about you as a person.

53. A Relationship Is A 'Job'

Image source Medium

If you find yourself looking at commitment as yet another task that you should undertake because you think it will make you feel good, then you may be emotionally unavailable. Relationships do take effort to work but seeing it as a job isn't the way to go.

54. It's Always The Other Person's Fault

Image source MomJunctionThe way an emotionally unavailable person acts can make you feel unwanted. If you are opening up to them and feeling vulnerable about something very personal, when they don't give an empathetic response, you wonder if it's actually you that's the problem.

55. Their Relationship History Speaks Volumes

Image source YouTube

Though we can’t and shouldn't judge all people, based on their relationship history, it is important to take note of it as there could be a pattern. If someone has acted in a certain way with all of their past partners and hasn't done any work on themselves, they are unlikely to have changed.

56. Relationship Lacks Excitement And Romance

Image source Best Life

Healthy, emotionally fulfilling relationships grow and nurture with time. Though the initial infatuation settles, once the honeymoon period is over, deeper feelings can grow as you learn all about your partner and your compatibility with them. If the passion and excitement has fizzled out, it's not a relationship.

57. They Won't Talk About Real Stuff

Image source Quora

An emotionally unavailable partner won’t seem to be engaged during meaningful chats, even when it's a time that you want their ear the most. If you can’t bond over the real conflicts in your life, the chances of an intimate connection are very small.

58. They’re Not Affectionate Consistently

Image source PairedLife

If your partner is emotionally evasive, your intimate life could be getting milder and more diluted by the day. Compliments, touch and sex are all means to intimacy and an emotionally unavailable person avoids these intermittently.

60. They Minimize Your Feelings

Image source Tiny BuddhaWhen you are trying to discuss your feelings, an emotionally unavailable person may turn your comments round into something humorous and even start acting the clown. This minimizes the way you feel because they don't want to get into serious territory.

61. They Refuse Professional Help With Issues

Image source Reader's DigestIf your partner is carrying baggage from any number of issues and refuses to address them, just hoping they will magically go away, then they are not doing all they can to make the relationship work. It could be because they don't want the commitment but won't say it out loud.

62. Their Parents' Split Has Affected Them

Image source Welldoing.comNo matter how well or badly a divorce was handled by a person's parents, it will still affect them. Even if they were an older kid when the split happened, emotional feelings run wild and can get buried deep down over the years. If your partner has never dealt with the issue, they can be put off ever having a fulfilling relationship themselves, in case it doesn't last.

63. They Want A Carefree Partner

Image source iDivaAn emotionally unavailable person is likely to look for a carefree partner. In other words, this will be someone who is fun, out to enjoy themselves but not looking for commitment. The main problem with this is that feelings can develop, even if you are not expecting them to and unless you are both singing from the same hymn sheet, someone is going to get hurt.

64. They Say It's All In YOUR Head

Image source News24If you start getting 'heavy' with your partner, explaining how they make you feel and we are talking negatively here, they could say you are imagining it and it's all in your head. Unless you are strong enough to walk away, you are delaying the inevitable. They are not emotionally available for you.

65. Quick To End It If Partner is Getting Deep Feelings

Image source ClickBuilding a relationship with your perfect match is one of life's joys and it could lead to a lifetime of happiness. A person who's emotionally unavailable will end it if they are also feeling the same as you but are worried about being trapped. Let them go and meet someone else who will appreciate you.

66. They Panic If A Getaway Is Discussed

Image source YouGov

If you mention the word 'holiday' or 'short vacation' to your partner and they go as white as a sheet, instead of jumping for joy, then delay packing the sun tan cream as you could otherwise be travelling with a person who doesn't want to commit.

67. They Don't Want To Meet Your Parents

Image source MinqMeeting your partner's parents can be a little daunting as you want to create a good impression. Usually, it goes well as parents only want their 'child' to be happy and they will welcome you into the family with open arms. An emotionally unavailable person will feel this meet up is almost the same as discussing an engagement ring - they don't want to commit.

68. They Don’t Respect Your Time

Image source Mandatory

An occasional rain check for a dinner date is acceptable but someone who is emotionally unavailable tends to cancel regularly. Not only are your plans botched but it’s also a sneaky way for them to cut down on quality time for you both to spend together.

69. They Aren't In Regular Contact With Siblings

Image source Katie Courie Media

This particular type of person might appear as a 'for ever bachelor or 'forever bachelorette.' There is a reason for it and that's because they are more comfortable leading this way of life. They don't want to be tied down or 'trapped' as they refer to it as.

70. They Abuse or Over-Use Substances

Image source MapOut

Emotional unavailability can be as a result of resistance to deeper emotional pain. Someone who is emotionally unavailable might gravitate toward alcohol or other drugs to create a sense of numbness. This makes it more difficult for them to excel at a social life or dating.

71. They’ve Never Been In Love

Image source Medium

If you're quite young, it's highly probably that you haven't been in love before but if you are of a certain age, say past 25, you should have experienced the big 'L.' Love is part of human nature and becoming closer to someone will help develop those feelings. If a person has been in long-term relationships and never said 'I love you' to someone, it may indicate a level of emotional unavailability.

72. They Say It How It Is

Image source LoveAroundMe

Okay, so this is an obvious one but totally true. If you're dating someone who is emotionally unavailable, they will often tell you they aren't ready for anything serious, such as a committed relationship. Even if you think they have 'melted' into love, they won't feel it.

73. They've Previously Dated Emotionally Unavailable People

Image source The Social Man

They say you should mix with like-minded people to build a connection with them. Emotionally unavailable individuals will try and find a similar type of partner, one who isn't looking for commitment. If you are not this 'type', you may be wasting your time with them or, worse still, start to feel emotionally unavailable yourself.

74. They Are Scared Of Dating

Image source A Conscious Rethink

If you're always coming up with reasons to not date, being too busy with work or focussing on yourself etc., you may be emotionally unavailable. Relationships are supposed to add stability and enrich your life. If you see them as obstacles, it's not them - it's you!

75. They Have Anxiety But Won't Address It

Image source HelpGuide.orgIf you have anxiety or depression you may have thought about getting therapy, but didn't go through with it. Your emotional pain could be contributing towards being emotionally unavailable. Taking that first step to undertake therapy could pay off more than you ever imagined.

76. It's Their Way Or The Highway

Image source The Marriage PlaceEmotionally unavailable adults tend to despise compromises or being asked to change. According to them, all of their relationships should revolve around them and cater to their needs. Basically, if the other person won't compromise, they shouldn't waste their time.

77. They Disguises Themselves As Being Full-On

Image source The MirrorIf someone seems too good to be true, they usually are. Men , in particular, who flirt by using full-on flattery, are often focused only on finding short-term intimacy through casual relationships. The other person will feel like the most important person in the world but it's not real.

78. They Block Out Their Childhood

Image source Deseret NewsA person who is emotionally unavailable might have something much deeper going on, back in their childhood days. They avoid talking about when they were younger and act defensively if you ask them about their childhood. They may insist all was good back then or say they can't remember anything.

79. They Turn Everything Into A Joke

Image source QuoraAn emotionally unavailable person doesn't like participating in meaningful conversations and when they get too deep, they may make a joke of it and start acting up, acting the fool. It's their way of diverting attention away from commitment.

80. They Are Adamant They Don't Want Kids

Image source YouTubeThere are many reasons why some people or couples prefer not to have kids and nobody should be judged. Those who are emotionally unavailable often tell a partner at the outset that they have no room for kids in their life. This might not truly be the case - it's could be their state of mind at the time.