This Is The First Thing We Should Do When Losing A Loved One

Know that there is no right way to grieve

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Though there have been many books written, I can assure you that there is no official way to grieve. You might look up resources or watch TV programmes and yet, your experience of grieving may be completely different to what you see and hear. That's the only thing that's guaranteed.

Stock up on all your favorite foods

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It might be seem like a small thing but nobody wants to think about eating when they're going through something potentially traumatic. Ask a friend or a loved one (or if you want a distraction, go by yourself) to buy all the foods that make you happy. It's a small relief but it does masses.

Be ready to get angry or sad at the smallest of things

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Your emotions will not know what to do with themselves. You might see a pigeon and feel an overwhelming feeling to kick it (obviously don't!). You might see a pigeon and sob your eyes out. The littlest things can feel huge when we're grieving, but you're not alone in that.

Let those around us know we're grieving

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One of the worst parts of grieving is the expectation. You think that when you know, everyone does, so you are mad or sad or crazed when those who love you don't reach out. You have to remember that they might not know and, if you need support, you're going to have to be the one to tell them.

Try talking to our loved ones

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Putting our thoughts and feelings into words can be incredibly daunting and difficult. But you know who will sit with us and support us whilst we go through it? Our loved one! They're not going to judge you for how you're processing, but if you can, try not to bottle it all up. Talk instead.

Call a therapist

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Therapy can be a scary concept, especially if you're not comfortable leaving your emotions out there. However, if talking to loved ones is proving too difficult, a complete stranger might be just what you need. They're outside of the situation, trained to help and can help you explore your feelings.

Sleep as much as you need to

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When someone passes, the overwhelming feeling of grief can be a little too much to bear, so if you need to go to bed, go to bed. You are allowed a break from your feelings. Get under a blanket, put on some ASMR and float off to sleep. As long as you're eating, hydrating and showering, a little sleep will do you the world of good.

Cry

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Crying might not be your usual forte; you might prefer to hold it all in. But the worst thing you could do when you're feeling so sad, is to keep everything bottled up. It might take a while but when the feeling comes, don't be scared to let it out. Deep breaths, lots of tissues and let go.

See what you can do to help

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It might not just be you who is going through this tough time. It helps as both a distraction and as a way of remembering your loved one to reach out to other people who may be affected by this loss. Your loved one would be proud and you can help someone else go through this process with you.

Try not to touch alcohol

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For a lot of us, the first thing we want to do when dealing with something difficult is to shy away from it and distract ourselves, often through alcohol. But let me tell you, it will not help in the long run. It will only work against you and end up leaving you feel even more broken than you felt in the first place.

Put yourself first

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Other people will always matter and their feelings are valid. But if you're not in a position to help anybody out, then you have to focus on yourself. If you can't look after yourself, how could you ever be expected to look after anybody else? Don't be afraid to put yourself first.

Dig out old photographs

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When one of our people die, looking at photos of them can be a warm embrace when they're no longer around. Look through photo albums, iPhone photos, whatever you can get your hands on. Sometimes we have to focus on who they were when they were alive, not who they are now they're not.

Do not try to do everything at once

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Multitasking can be a fantastic thing when the world is right. But sometimes we forget that we don't have to multitask when our world is falling apart. Take one thing at a time, focus on that one thing and then move onto the next. Being overwhelmed can make this process even harder.

Celebrate their life

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Take moment for them that's not shrouded in the sadness of their loss, but celebrating their existence in the first place. We sometimes get so bogged down in the negatives that we fail to see what a wonder it was they ever existed to begin with. Light a candle, look at some photos or call your loved ones and celebrate their life.

Take time to remember them

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Remembering them is an incredibly important step. We can get so lost in funeral arrangements, checking in on other people, trying to get everything done we need to get done, and we sometimes forget to stop and think about the person we've lost. Take a deep breath and think of the happier times.

Listen to friends and family

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Oh this one is a tough one. We think we can do it all ourselves and that we don't need anybody else's opinion or thoughts on how to move forward, so we just end up getting so incredibly overwhelmed. If your friends or family reach out, give them that time and thank them for checking in.

Talk to a doctor

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It might not be the first place you look but often times doctors can be really useful in helping us move through grief, especially if it was sudden. It's also an opportunity to get a health check up and see if everything is working as it should, so it's one less thing to worry about.

Look into peer support

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We can forego one of the necessary steps in our grieving: listening to other people's stories. We can get so wrapped up in our own, thinking we're alone, when really someone else has been through something very similar and you can help each other out. A stranger really can be one of the best people to talk to.

Look through your loved one's favorite things

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When a loved one dies, it can be said that looking through their possessions can calm you and give you an opportunity to remember who they were. It's important not to keep everything (because it can end up as clutter) but going through each trinket and treasure of your loved one can bring back memories you didn't even know you had.

Listen to podcasts

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I personally love a podcast if I want to be distracted from my problems, for example, Call Her Daddy or How Did This Get Made. But they can also be incredibly lovely resources for understanding grief and how other people respond to it. Just an hour of your time and you could gain a whole new perspective.

Go for a walk

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Before you think about how much you don't want to leave the house, consider this: you need fresh air and sunlight and what is a better way of getting that than being away from your phone, away from everything, and just breathing in nature? You can go alone or with a friend, but get out of the house!

Watch your favorite shows

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Friends or Seinfeld or The Simpsons: whatever your favourite TV show is, it will be a warm security blanket when everything is feeling a little too much. You know the plots, the characters and the fuzzy feelings it will give you to enjoy something predictable and familiar.

Take it one day at a time

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Multitasking is just one element we should avoid. The other is trying to get ahead of ourselves before we're ready. Don't think about next week or next month. Take it one day at a time and focus more on getting to the end of the day, being back in bed and closing your eyes.

Spend time with the people you love most

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It might not be your family you turn to, but your friends or colleagues. Whoever it is that can out a smile on your face, that's who you should be reaching out to in this time. You don't have to talk about your feelings if you don't want to and you can feel the warmth and familiarity of people you adore.

Drink lots of water

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I've said it before and I'll say it again: don't forget to drink water! Get one of those water bottles like the one above so you don't have to think about when you're drinking or whether you'll get through the whole bottle. You have to take care of yourself even if it feels like the end of the world.

Express your feelings

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However you choose to do it, be it writing them down, talking to a loved one, or speaking to a loved one, it is a good idea to express your feelings. You will not be judged for how you're feeling in your current situation, but it will hurt you further down the line if you bottle everything up.

27. Give yourself as much time as you need

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Grieving isn't over after a week or a month or a year. Grieving can take as long as it needs to. Don't try to rush yourself or bury your emotions just for the sake of other people. Make sure to give yourself all the time in the world to go through what you're going through.

28. Know you're not alone

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In the loveliest way possible, you are not the first person to have lost someone and you sadly won't be the last. While your way of grieving is individual, there will be other people who can relate and you should lean on them for whatever kind of support you need.

29. Journal or write in your diary

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Journalling or detailing out each day as it comes can keep you on track, is somewhere for you to write down your thoughts and feelings, and, perhaps most importantly, gives you a record of how your grief has changed and adapted as time as gone on. It's a nifty tool to help you through.

30. Read other people's stories

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In the depths of grief, we can often forget that others have stories just like ours, or completely different but the feelings are replicated. I give you every permission to go to a bookshop and find an autobiography that helps you feel seen and heard, much like What Remains by Caroline Radziwill.