Psychologist Reveals How To Win Any Argument With A Partner

1. What is 'winning'?

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If you're looking into how to 'win' an argument, it's important that you first address what 'winning' an argument actually means to you.  Is it having the last word?  Or having people agree on and side with you?  Or is it just resolving a conflict that you might have in any way possible?

2. Turn it into something more productive

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If you're in a heated argument with your partner that you cannot seem to resolve, the good news is that there might be some strategies that you can use in order to turn your argument into something a little less volatile and a little more productive.

3. What is a 'productive' argument?

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A productive argument is an argument that actually has a better outcome for everyone involved.  Turning a full-on shouting match into a more productive discussion can really help you to see beyond your rage and gain some clarity on the situation, including your partner's own points that you've somehow become blind to.

4. So why are they so important?

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Research from the University of Washington suggests that productive arguments do actually distinguish couples who stay together from those who actually split up.  So if an argument remains heated and isn't diffused or unpacked immediately, couples were more likely to eventually split up.

5. The research

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University of Washington psychologist, John Gottman, and Berkley psychologist, Robert Levenson, conducted a long 14-year study of 79 married American couples.  It is reported that they found that over a decade, 21 of these ended up divorcing, and, interestingly, the researchers noticed some important things about the ways they fought.

6. Discuss the argument immediately

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In order to have a successful and productive argument, and be less likely to split up, according to the research, Gottman suggested that the argument should be addressed and unpacked immediately in order to prevent each party from stewing over the thoughts for hours or days after the argument.

7. Recognize that both of you are partially responsible

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And during this phase of addressing and unpacking what caused the argument and how it developed, it has been suggested that it is so important that some time is spent working on recognizing that both of you are partially responsible for whatever you're arguing about and therefore both partially responsible for fixing things.

8. Talk less and listen!

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The research also suggests that it is so important to allow each other to be heard.  This is key to resolving or 'winning' an argument, particularly if you're able to speak and listen with an open mind, take responsibility, and work hard to understand where your partner is coming from.

8. Show them that you're trying to understand

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Working to understand your partner's point of view is so beneficial for you because you'll be able to go into a discussion with more understanding and probably more patience and compassion.  It's probably also going to make them feel more appreciated too and therefore much less argumentative and probably more likely to listen to you too.

9. Don't cut your partner off

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It is also so important that you don't ever cut your partner off when they're trying to make their points.  This only ends in raised voices and anger as you try to navigate this problem.  Phrases like 'let's agree to disagree' can really cause the rage to boil and bubble over, so just don't do it.

10. Take the high road

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It's also important that you attempt to take the high road in an argument rather than the low.  But do this without patronizing or making your partner feel small.  There are many things you can do like not retaliating with anger, realizing that you're not going to change them, and having a clear goal in mind when you enter a discussion.

11. Stop trying to be right

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In any argument, it's important to understand that each party genuinely believes that they're right.  But when you're trying to be right, you lose sight of their perspective and when this happens, amends are almost impossible to make.  So listen carefully, digest their points, and stop trying to be right!

12. Stay focussed on being connected

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So instead of trying to be right, instead focus yourself on being connected with your partner by compassionately showing that you understand where they're coming from, and why they're upset.  You might not win the argument by being right be you win every time by getting out of the argument!

13. Understand the desperate need to want to 'win'!

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Like being right, winning is also super important for anyone engaged in an argument.  There is just this desperate urge to win the argument that gets in the way of what winning really looks like and even blocks you from making real and genuine amends.  And if you can't resolve the argument without your both 'winning' you're probably going to have the same argument again.

14. Reframe 'winning'

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So think about it again, what does 'winning' an argument really mean to you?  If it meant that you had the last word, then it's probably time for you to reframe your idea of winning an argument!  Psychologists will tell you that 'winnin' an argument is when you both have an understanding of each other's points and you are able to come to a suitable resolution that satisfies both of you.

15. Conflict can be your friend

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Interestingly, research in Psychology has actually found that conflict in a relationship isn't always a bad thing.  It's the ways you deal with that conflict that can make an argument go from a bullfight to a productive and compassionate discussion.  And if you're able to do the latter, then you can create a safe space in your relationship to get things off your chest, rather than let your resentment towards your partner build to staggering and irreparable heights.

16. Hit the breaks

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It is also super important that you don't spend hours upon hours engaged in the same argument.  Arguments need breaks too and having a well-needed timeout might allow you some valuable moments to meditate on your partner's point of view and your approach to the conflict and come back refreshed and calmer.

17. Don't go 'below the belt'

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Sometimes, when we're frustrated, or angry, we can say spiteful things that only have one purpose: to hurt and upset the other person.  And that's understandable - in the moment, it's so hard to bite your tongue when emotions are high.  But it is important that you take a breath and think carefully about what you're about to say - it might just shatter your chances of resolving anything.

18. Have a plan and be clear

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When you're engaged in conflict with your partner and emotions are high, it's so common for your thoughts to become incredibly hazy, but even if they are crystal clear in your mind, they might not translate as well to the spoken word.  So make sure you plan out what you are going to say to be completely clear to your partner about how you feel.

19. Be really clear on what their points are

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And likewise, as well as being crystal clear on your points, you should also make sure that you have a clear understanding of what they're saying to you and how they feel.  Take some time to really think about what their words mean in context and allow them to speak uninterrupted.

20. Be empathetic

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Listening to your partner carefully so you're clear about what they are communicating to you is important, but what is also equally important is that you listen with empathy too.  Connect with your partner by responding with understanding and empathy, making it clear as day that you get it.

21. Be honest if you can't understand their point of view

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It's completely understandable, though, that sometimes, you're not going to be able to see eye to eye, even with a 'productive discussion'.  But be honest about it, explain why you don't get it, and ask questions to clarify anything that you just don't relate to.  Honesty is important.

22. Don't use horrible clichés or infuriating phrases

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Certain phrases can just make an argument explode with scorching rage and sometimes even genuine hatred.  So avoid the following: "Let's agree to disagree", "let me just stop you there", "you're acting just like your mother", "you never.../you always...", "drop it", or even "don't be an @#!%*&"$"!

23. Switch roles

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You could try and switch roles to attempt to see the other person's perspective in an argument.  And, no, we're not saying that you raid their wardrobe or don their spectacles!  We just mean that you could work either individually or together on really trying to see it from the other side.

24. Don't retaliate with anger

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There's that old saying that if you retaliate with anger and rage, you're only going to hurt yourself.  And to an extent, it's kind of true.  You see when you start shouting and kicking inanimate objects, you've basically lost the argument right there.  So take a breath, or hit pause, and come back when your emotions are not so high!

25. Realize that you can't change people

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One thing you have to realize is that you cannot change other people, whether you're in a relationship with them or not.  It's important that you appreciate their uniqueness and their opinions and when you're in an argument with them, empathize with their point of view.

26. Don't have serious talks at night

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One thing that you are advised to avoid, if possible, is to try to avoid serious talks or conflicts just before you go to bed and never go to sleep after crossed words!  It might affect your sleep and allow you to stew overnight.  But perhaps sometimes, sleeping on it might be a good thing to help you to get some perspective after a good night's sleep.

27. Compromise!

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You might find it useful and beneficial to try to seek some common ground and be open-minded about coming to a solution together.  Meet halfway and be willing to compromise.  You don't have to see it as winning or losing the argument.  Any kind of amends or resolved arguments with satisfaction on both sides is winning anyway!

28. Avoid accusatory statements

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It is really important that you try to avoid accusatory statements when you're communicating during a conflict.  So instead of saying: "You hurt me when you...", try using an 'I' statement instead and change the phrase to "I felt hurt when...".  This might help promote understanding and keep the conversation productive.

29. Forgiveness

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Holding grudges doesn't benefit anyone.  And keeping hold of past grievances can really hinder your chances of resolving your argument.  So try to practice forgiveness, whatever that looks like to you.  Realize that everyone makes mistakes and forgiveness can really help towards healing.

30. Seek Mediation

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Sometimes, it's just not possible to resolve an argument with your partner, no matter what you try.  And this is completely normal, just like engaging in conflict is totally normal.  But despite this, sometimes it can really put a strain on your relationship.  This is where a neutral third party might come in useful to help to mediate, facilitate healthy communication, negotiate a resolution, and provide unbiased guidance.