Tips On Co-Parenting With An Ex

1. Prioritize the well-being of your children above all else.

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Some things just go without saying in life. One of those things is definitely that when you become a parent, your children should now be your priority. So, when you’re making difficult decisions related to co-parenting, keep in mind what is best for the well-being of your children. When this is always prioritized, then you won’t be able to go far wrong.

2. Maintain open, respectful communication with your ex.

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Regardless of what’s gone on between the two of you, if you’ve chosen to co-parent, then you’re going to need to communicate with each other. Both of you have a right to know what is going on in your child’s life, so it’s important that you’re remaining honest and respectful when speaking to each other. Now, nobody is expecting a fancy dinner date, just a simple text or phone call will do.

3. Set consistent rules and boundaries for your children in both households.

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When it comes to discipline, both parents really do need to be on the same page. If the children are allowed to do as they please in one household, but have strict boundaries in place in another, they’re going to be confused. The likelihood is that any hard work parents put into discipline will go to waste, as it’s not going to sink in. Rules and expectations need to be consistent.

4. Be flexible and understanding with scheduling and visitation arrangements.

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If the agreement is to co-parent, and the children are to freely see both parents, then this is what you need to stick to. Of course, there are circumstances where the agreement needs to end if the child is at any risk of harm. But otherwise, it’s important to be flexible where possible and understanding when it comes to arranging time with the children.

5. Avoid arguing or discussing personal issues in front of the children.

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Now, this one is a must. Arguing and discussing sensitive, personal topics in front of the child is never a good idea. For starters, this is likely to scare and distress them. Anxiety, insecurity and stress can be triggered in the child, even once they are out of the situation. When they witness this, it could also have an impact on building their own relationships.

6. Encourage and support your children's relationship with the other parent.

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If you want your child to have a healthy relationship with both of their parents, then you need to encourage this. Parents should avoid bad mouthing each other to the child or filling their heads with negative views towards the other. When parents do this, it’s about them, not their child. They should be supporting their child’s relationship with their other parent at all times.

7. Refrain from using your children as messengers between you and your ex.

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Children aren’t there to be used as a tool for parents, including when it comes to sending messages between each other. Doing this places a pressure and emotional burden on the children, which can cause them a lot of stress and anxiety. Not to mention, children are likely to mix up or change information either intentionally or unintentionally. There will be a lot of miscommunication leading to further issues.

8. Attend important events and milestones in your children's lives together, if possible.

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Where possible, it’s nice for both parents to be able to stand alongside their children together to celebrate important events and milestones. They can look back on the memories knowing that both of their parents were there to support them. The child feels equally supported and loved by both of them and the parents have chance to share their pride and joy for their children.

9. Use technology to facilitate communication and share important information.

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We get it, communication can be difficult and can often escalate into an argument when it comes to dealing with an ex. That’s why technology is your friend with this one. You don’t have to see them face to face to have a chat if this is difficult for you. You could even communicate via an app if you don’t want to give them your mobile number! Also, when communication is digital, there’s a trail and evidence if needed.

10. Be consistent with parenting styles between both households.

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Consistency is key when it comes to children. When both parents are consistent with the same parenting style in both households, then it provides a stable and predictable environment for the children to grow. This helps to build trust for both parents and their behavior will be significantly improved. There’s also less friction between parents, the more that they can be on the same page about, the better.

11. Be honest with your children about the situation, but avoid blaming the other parent.

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When it comes to co-parenting, it’s also important to be open and honest with the children, wherever appropriate. Whilst communication should be open, it’s also important to avoid blaming the other parent. Demonstrating honesty yourself is a great way to teach this to your children, but not at the expense of causing unnecessary distress and straining their relationship with a parent.

12. Keep each other informed about your children's health, education, and activities.

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Both parents have a right to know about all things concerning their children’s health, education and activities. Parents should never withhold information relating to these things from each other. Each of the child’s parents should be fully aware of what is going on in their lives, this sends a message to the child that they are supported and that their parents are interested in their lives.

13. Create a shared calendar to keep track of visitation schedules, school events, and holidays.

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A great way to communicate important events and milestones is by creating a shared calendar between both parents. This way, texting can be minimised and both parents are responsible for checking and adding to the calendar accordingly. Dates are easier to keep track off, with a commitment on both ends to make sure they show up for important events.

14. Consider attending co-parenting classes or counseling if needed.

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Sometimes, the two of you may need some extra help. Co-parenting is difficult, there’s no denying this! And there’s no shame in reaching out to a professional. At the end of the day, if both parents are committed to working in their children’s best interest, they can work together. Attending co-parenting classes can help iron out frictions and develop healthy boundaries or coping mechanisms.

15. Put your children's needs first when making important decisions.

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When it comes to decision making, the thing at the forefront of both parents mind should be their children’s needs. Decisions shouldn’t be made solely to benefit one parent at the children’s expense. For example, when deciding which school the child should go to, if there is a better school but it’s closer to your ex’s house than yours, this could be the best option for your child.

16. Find positive ways to resolve conflicts and disagreements with your ex.

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With all the best intentions in the world, when you’re co-parenting, you’re still very likely to run into conflicts along the way. It’s in both the patents and the children’s interest to be able to resolve these conflicts or disagreements in a peaceful manner. Try to see things from the others perspective, don’t lose sight of what’s important and use a mediator where possible and appropriate.

17. Avoid involving new partners in parenting decisions too early.

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Involving new partners in a child’s life too early is a no-go, especially when it comes to decision making. When children see different partners come and go, it can be unsettling for them, confusing and impact them emotionally as they grow attached. Decision making is complicated enough when co-parenting, involving other people should only happen once the new relationship has reached an appropriate level.

18. Encourage your children to express their feelings about the co-parenting arrangement.

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It’s healthy to talk to your children about their emotions when it comes to co-parenting. The children should feel as though they can freely speak, expressing their feelings and concerns when needed. This helps to make sure you can both keep your children happy, feeling safe, secure and heard. It’s advisable to check in with them and ask them how they are.

19. Be respectful of your ex's time and commitments.

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Whilst you’re both co-parenting, it’s important to remember that each of you are entitled to a life, too. With this in mind, try to be respectful of the other parents time and commitments. Whether this is their work schedule, or social plans. Within reason, they’re more than in their rights to make these plans and they also deserve privacy. This of course should be reciprocated.

20. Be consistent with child support and financial responsibilities.

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Child support is there for a reason. Both parties should stick to the agreement, consistently keeping up with their financial responsibility for their children. If things get difficult in terms of this, then involving a mediator or professional where appropriate may be beneficial. Both parents can then have a sense of pride that they are contributing to supporting their children.

21. Respect each other's privacy and personal boundaries.

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It’s important for both parents to remain respectful of each other, including where privacy is concerned. Remember, whilst you’re co-parenting, you’re not in a relationship and what they do with their personal lives is nothing to do with you if it’s not putting the children at risk. So, avoid unnecessary arguments and friction by keeping both of your noses firmly in your own business only.

22. Celebrate important events like birthdays and holidays together as a family, if possible.

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Where possible, it is nice when co-parents can come together to celebrate the children’s birthday, religious holidays or other similar events as one family. For example, going for a meal out with the children and both parents. It’s healthy for the children to see their parents co-operating, making them feel secure and important. The children can grow up with happy memories involving both parents.

23. Share pictures and updates with the other parent during visits.

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If the two of you are amicable with mutual boundaries, then you could share pictures, videos or updates on the children whilst they’re with you. This keeps both of you in the loop and allows you both a shared pleasure in the children’s happiness and lives. Of course, this can sometimes be difficult and seen as ‘checking on’ each others parenting, so whether this is appropriate depends on the relationship.

24. Plan regular meetings to discuss important matters concerning your children.

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If you want to limit contact with your ex but still want to share important matters with each other when it comes to your children, you might want to consider this. Scheduling regular meetings, either in person or over the phone, allows time to communicate whilst keeping boundaries in place outside of these times. Emergency matters will not apply, needing to be discussed there and then.

25. Maintain a positive attitude about co-parenting in front of your children.

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There are going to be times when you feel frustrated with your ex, and with co-parenting in general. For the sake of your children’s well-being, try to remain positive about the situation. Children are sponges, if they detect that you’re unhappy about the situation, chances are they will start to be, too. Save them the unnecessary anxiety and stress where possible.

26. Be supportive of your children's relationship with their extended family on both sides.

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It’s not only the two parents to think about, but both sides of their family, too. Regardless of what has gone on or what you think about your ex mother-in-law, for example, remain positive and supportive of your children’s relationship with them. Again, as long as they are not coming to any harm, they deserve to have a healthy relationship with both sides of their family.

27. Avoid using your children to gather information about the other parent's life.

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This goes back to respecting the other parents privacy. If you are genuinely concerned about something, then it’s your ex that you should be asking, not your children. Don’t use them to dig for information, you’re likely not to get the full truth out of them and it’s unfair to place this responsibility onto your child. You don’t need to know everything, co-parenting needs an element of trust.

28. Be prepared for changes and adjustments as your children grow and their needs evolve.

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As children grow, their needs, attitudes, interests, activities and many other things will change. When you’re co-parenting, you absolutely need to be able to communicate with each other through these changes. It’s important to be flexible and both adapt as required, according to what your children need from you. Parenting is an ever changing commitment!

29. Seek legal advice when necessary, but try to resolve issues amicably if possible.

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In those cases where one or both parents just cannot seem to cooperate with one another, then you might want to consider legal advice. Whether this is relating to monetary needs or custody of the children. If the two of you are able to resolve matters without legal action, it will save you stress and money. But sometimes, this route is for the best.

30. Take care of your own well-being

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Whilst your children are your priority, it’s absolutely vital to make sure that you’re pouring into your own cup, too. You deserve good mental health and you owe it to yourself to take care of your well-being. Not to mention, when you’re feeling good, you have more to give when it comes to your children! Schedule self-care where possible and ask for help when you need it.