Family Therapist Reveals How To Reconnect With A Parent

1. Have an emotional check-in

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Take a little second before you do anything. Are you in the right place mentally to reach out to your estranged parent? These things can be emotionally taxing and if you don't feel ready, it can end up doing more harm than good. You need to take the time to consider if maybe you need to wait a little while, especially if the wounds are still fresh. Do you feel ready for the emotional journey this might end up being?

2. Consider the pros and cons of reconnecting

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The next thing you need to do is get out a pen and paper and consider: what are the pros and cons? Will they be open to it? Is it just a waste of time? Will it affect your family negatively? Or could it be the chance you both needed to reunite the entire family? Would it make you both happy? Can you imagine next Thanksgiving, eating your mom's homemade key lime pie? Once you've made a decision, then it's time for the next steps.

3. Think about why you have a problem in the first place

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You can't go into this blind - you need to remember what caused the problem in the first place. Was it one gigantic argument? Did you scream and shout about your siblings, your partner or toxic behaviour? Or did a steady build up of pressure lead to a soft exit you're finding it difficult to turn back on. It's important to know what kind of challenge you're facing, and then you can understand how to fix it.

4. Get advice

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You need to reach out to loved ones, especially if they're related to your parent - your siblings, your other parent, aunts, uncles, cousins - they might have an insight that you don't have or be the sounding board you didn't know you needed. Sometimes, what we think is the right approach can actually be the worst, so take a deep breath and call someone you can trust.

5. Rehearse exactly what you want to say

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Grab your notebook or open up the microphone on your cell, and let it all out. Without practice, who knows what you could say? You could undermine yourself, forget key timelines and dates, or stay silent, stunned by indecision. It's best to think practically about the place you're coming from and how you want to portray it to your parent. If you want results, you need to think clearly about what you want to say.

6. Be ready with questions

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How can they be completely honest or know what you want from this reunion if you just talk and talk and talk? Think about what happened between you and ask, why? Refrain from interrogation - you don't want to scare them - but you need to ask questions. Was it their behaviour? Was it something you did? How can we fix this and move forward in a healthy way? Engage with them, and ask all the questions you need to find out if there is a path to a better relationship.

7. Be ready with answers

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Considering what you and your parent have been through, you need to be ready to answer their queries. If you're going to ask those questions to your parent, then you need to ask them to yourself too. Think carefully about why you did what you did or say what you said, not necessarily to defend it, but just to provide your parent with some clarity into how your mind works. It will only make for a more open discussion.

8. Take the first step

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This part is absolutely going to be the hardest. You have spoken to your loved ones, you have thought about your behaviour, and you've decided you're ready to reach out. The best way to do this is not over the phone - tone and meaning can sometimes get lost via text, and phone calls can let you zone out and miss important info. Organise seeing your parent in person. You can't be misunderstood if you're sat across from someone, concentrating on what you both have to say.

9. Think about keeping it private

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Your loved ones with desperately want to be involved but that's not how this reunion needs to go. This discussion needs to be just the two of you. No added characters, no interruptions, no distractions, just you and your parent. Neutral ground is always best, a quiet cafe, a breakfast or brunch even. Being in public will keep you both accountable for your actions, but being private in conversation can make sure you feel safe to talk.

10. Use clear and concise communication

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"I mean, you ask her what time it is, and she tells you how to build a clock!" - not you in this conversation with your parent, but Kyle about Dorit. You don't want either of you to walk away from this being confused or unsure of your stance on things. Your best chance is to make sure you're speaking clearly, and getting your point across in a compact, concise way.

11. Remain thoughtful and considerate

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Being snarky or rude or snappy is not going to make this a smooth reunion. If your parent is taking the time to get to the bottom of this issue, then they must want to fix this with you too. Before you get defensive (or worse, offensive!), try and consider the issues from their perspective. And if they're struggling with their words, or something didn't come out quite right, let them try again.

12. Take your time

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You do not want to rush this! If you have a hairstylist waiting for you in two hours, or they need to pick up their friend from the airport, you will end up speeding over all the important parts you've been considering and preparing. It won't need to take all day, trust me, but you do need to book out a good few hours to allow yourselves to dive in.

13. Don't feel guilty for taking a break

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But knowing that this could be four hours long, you also have the opportunity to take breaks. If it's becoming too intense or you don't quite know what to say next, then go to the trinket store next door, or take a quick walk around the block. Clear the headspace you need to get through this. If the conversation becomes too long and arduous, you're going to lose interest and this is too important for that.

14. Much like the Housewives, the reunion can be in parts

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This issue could have spanned years, possibly even decades, so to suggest you can get everything ironed out in the space of a few hours would be naive. You can come back at a later time and give each other some safe. It allows the opportunity for you both to digest everything and come back later, refreshed and ready to answer some of the harder questions you may not have had answers to at that moment. But promise me you'll come back!

15. Write it down

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Big shoutout to Heather Dubrow for this one. When things get on top of us and we don't quite know what to say, write it down. Then you either leave it behind or you sit across from your parent and read it out loud. Equally, if you are taking time out of the conversation, put pen to paper and get your thoughts out into the world. Letters are a magical way of alleviating some of the pressure of talking.

16. Speak to a therapist

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If you have taken the time alone, without a third party, and you just can't seem to work out how to move forward, then maybe it's time to see a therapist. It's no Andy Cohen or Dr Phil, but having a professional mediate between the two of you could open up new possibilities. Sometimes issues are too big to leave to just ourselves and it is more than okay to reach out to someone to guide you through to a successful reconnection.

17. Try and keep patient throughout it all

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This is a biggie. There is nothing worse than knowing you're making a really succinct, prevalent point and then hearing the person across from you begin to raise their voice to interrupt you. It can feel so demoralising. So what you need to do is take plenty of deep breaths, ask them calmly not to talk over you, and try not to do it to them. Be patient with each other and trust that you will have time to get everything out.

18. Don't just hear them, listen to them

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Put your phone down! Studies show that if the person you're talking to has their phone in their hand, you're less likely to engage in the conversation. The best thing you can do is put your phones in your bags and pay attention to everything your parent is giving to you. This could be a once in a lifetime opportunity. You don't want to squander it. Listen to your parent.

19. Respect their boundaries

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You can be the most open person in the world, ready to discuss anything on a whim, but that doesn't mean that there aren't certain lines that shouldn't be crossed. If there's a topic that is strictly off the table, then you need to talk about how to safeguard that issue. How do you open up the conversation without triggering a larger problem? Communicate what you're comfortable with, and they'll be sure to follow suit.

20. Take accountability

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As Lisa Rinna has famously said, "own it!". You need to make sure that you are going into this open to the idea that it was you who hurt the relationship. It is really easy to decide that your parent should have known better and that you didn't do anything wrong, but it's incredibly mature to realise that you both had a hand in why things are the way they are. Be ready to apologise and take accountability for your part.

21. Make peace with not getting the apology you want

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It's hard when you know that you want your family back to what it was, but you're probably not going to get the apology you want. After the long, hard conversation you'd had, it would be near impossible to forgive and forget. But what you might receive is the knowledge that you have built a solid foundation for your relationship going forward, and that's all you really wanted in the first place.

22. Maybe plan an activity

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After you've spoken for hours, struggled through the trials and tribulations of your in depth conversation and you're still not getting anywhere, the next thing to do is to plan an activity. Maybe it's baking cookies or painting pottery or playing laser tag - just something to get you out of the headspace you're both in, so you can have a fun for a little bit. You both deserve it.

23. Ultimatums are not useful

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Imagine if your dad had ever offered your mom an ultimatum: behave this way, do this or I will leave! It's not productive or helpful for anyone, and actually just creates a situation where trust diminishes and fear wins. Don't pressure your parent into progress. Reconnecting with them is not about exerting power - it's about honest and open communication and coming to a solution together.

24. Be prepared to work on the relationship

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If you're expecting the relationship with your parent to be fixed after one, two or three conversations, I have some terrible news for you! It sure is going to take a lot more than that. You have to be prepared to walk away with notes and do the work it is going to take to make it better between the two of you. You reunited for a reason, you went with questions and you got answers. Now onto a path of reconnection and appreciation.

25. Stay positive

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If you read this article, talk to your parent and then decide it went horribly, everything went wrong, and you're never going to do anything like this again, then I've failed. You need to remain positive. The fact you're taking the time and effort to do this is incredible, and it will only pay off if you stay positive and look on the bright side. You're turning over a new leaf and any negativity is not conducive to a healthy relationship moving forward.

26. You are strong in your vulnerability

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It might feel horrendous opening up the way you have. You might hate it. But being vulnerable is such an incredibly strong thing to do (it's why so few people do it). If you go into this reunion defensive or offensive or disrespectful, your parent is only going to mirror that behaviour - they raised you! You learnt that behaviour from somewhere. So remain emotive, patient and respectful, and then you can come to understand how you ended up where you are now in the first place.

27. Remember it may take some time

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It would be awesome if this were a quick fix and you know that you were going to go back to how it used to be, or all your problems would be immediately fixed. Unfortunately, it's more likely that it's going to take a little bit of time for you two to get along again and that is absolutely okay. You've done the hardest part by taking the first step - the only way you can go is up.

28. Talk to your loved ones

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Before this reunion, you had spoken to your loved ones, knowing you had their love and support going forward. Now, you need to go back to them and see what they have to say. They may be able to offer you some advice, share an experience they had, or just allow you to vent everything you need to. Trust is important here and knowing you've got someone who is totally on your side means you'll have the support to get through this.

29. Be proud of yourself

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You did it! And now, you have one of two decisions to make. 1. Are you happy moving forward in this relationship knowing what you know now? 2. And are you happy to do the work it's going to take to get there? And a sneaky third question: 3. What are you going to do to decompress from the emotions you've been feeling. Hopefully, now is the time for some relief and hope that you've done the right thing.

30. Arrange to see them again

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If you have decided you're ready to do what it takes and you actually would really like to see them again, get something in the diary! Start small with another coffee date or dinner, and then gradually work back up to what you want from your mom or dad. Integrate back into each other's lives slowly but surely, don't wait for too long between meet-ups, and continue to work on how your relationship can move forward.