Mistakes All Step Parents Need To Avoid

1. Playing the 'Replacer'

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It can be really challenging to enter your partner's family as their kids' new step-parent.  You might be faced with some doubt, hostility, and not necessarily instant friendship, trust, or love.  It is important to know that this is a totally normal challenge to face.  However, you must enter with realistic expectations of the kids and be sure not to try to replace their biological parent, that's not what you're there for.  Take it slow, with no assumptions, and you might be able to create some incredibly meaningful relationships.

2. Badmouthing your partner's ex to their kids

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One absolutely no is bad mouthing your partner's ex-spouse to or in front of their kids.  No matter how you feel about them, this has only proven to make their kids not trust you even more and can be really damaging to future relationships.  Besides, their loyalty to the biological parent might mean that they tell them everything which can cause some unpleasant friction in everyone's lives.

3. Trying to be too cool

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Trying to be the 'cool' parent in a bid to get the kids to like you never really works.  You might want to appear hip and fun, but this only runs the risk you opening yourself up to being disrespected by the kids, especially when you try to set rules and boundaries later down the line.  Start as you mean to go on.  You can still be cool but firm and not allow them to walk all over you.

4. Not setting boundaries from the start

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If you don't set your boundaries from the very beginning, you are not being clear and starting as you mean to go on.  Once the kids realize it, it can be really hard to break them out of certain habits that cross your boundaries.  So setting them from the very start can help you to stay consistent and help you to avoid future problems and confrontations.

5. Overstepping boundaries

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You have set your own boundaries, but it is easy to forget that the kids will have their own boundaries as well.  They might not be very obvious, but if you listen and pay attention, you can be more intuitive to them.  Being aware of their boundaries means that you know where they lie and you can take steps to not overstep them and break their trust.  Remember they need to trust you as they might be dealing with some really difficult emotions.

5. Disciplining them too early

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One example of overstepping their boundaries is by disciplining them too early on in the relationship.  You are a new member of their household and you need to establish your place and their trust before they are going to be OK with you disciplining them.  If you do this too early, it might create feelings of hostility and resentment towards you which might be difficult to repair.

6. Forcing a connection

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It is totally normal for you or the kids to not feel a connection right away.  Some are lucky, but most of the time, that trust in your new relationship with them has to slowly build over time.  And forcing a connection with kids who don't necessarily want or need it just yet is only going to push them further away.  Trying too hard might make you resent them too for not responding in the way you want them to.

7. Rushing the relationships

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The same goes for rushing too quickly into the relationship with your partner's kids too.  The pressure that you might put on them by trying to rush the relationship might also push them away so it is important to have patience and let them come to you when they are ready to.  They might be dealing with a lot, and starting up a new relationship with a stepparent might be quite low down on their list right now.

8. Ignoring important emotions

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When parents go through a breakup, the kids have to also deal with the surge of emotions too as their family splits up.  This can be incredibly difficult for them and they might not know how to react, especially when a new step-parent shows up.  Even though it's difficult, ignoring important emotions, even if they are coming out as anger towards you can be really damaging to your relationship with them.  You need to show them that you have empathy and are there for them.

10. Favoritism

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With your own kids, favoritism probably doesn't exist, but when it comes to someone else's kids, you might not feel that same connection with them.  This means that favoritism might creep up on you, even when you're least expecting it.  But having a favorite step kid is clearly a mistake and you need to see each kid for their own individuality and appreciate them.

11. Not communicating with their biological parent

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If you're having certain uncomfortable feelings or one of their kids has confided in you, the worst thing you can do is to not communicate with their biological parent or your partner.  If you've moved in as a step-parent, you must work with your partner in a close team.  And communication is absolutely the key to making it all work effectively to keep everyone content.

12. Playing the hero

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Playing the hero sounds wonderful and a good way to win over the stepkids, but it can also backfire on you too as it may look like you are trying too hard.  There is also the risk that you are going to undermine your partner if you rush in to save the day after the kids have been told no by them.  This can obviously make you look like a pushover to the kids and cause friction in your relationship.

13. Avoiding tough conversations

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As a step-parent, you are probably going to be faced with a number of tough conversations with your stepkids, and their biological parents, including your partner's ex-spouse.  And the easy thing to do would be to try to avoid these difficult conversations.  But avoiding them is only going to make you look cowardly and perhaps uninterested, and also make the problems grow bigger and bigger.

14. Overcompensating

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When you first become a step-parent, you want to make an effort so your new stepkids like you, when really, it's up to them.  So if you don't get the response you want straight away, you might feel like you need to make more effort.  And sometimes, people make the mistake of spending lots of money on elaborate gifts and days out with them.  But this is setting you up for disappointing them when the extravagance dies down a little.

15. Comparing

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As a step-parent, you might have your own biological kids too.  And when you enter another family, there is a risk that you compare your biological kids to your stepkids, as well as comparing your parenting style with your partner's.  This can be all kinds of damaging to your relationship and to your new blended family, so it's obviously better to avoid this by communicating with your partner.

16. Not listening

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Not listening properly to your stepkids concerns or worries about this new setup can be incredibly damaging to your relationship.  It might show them that you're being dismissive of their feelings as you try to navigate your new role.  You might hear them, but active listening and showing them that you care needs action rather than passive nods and back-channeling.

17. Or acknowledging their loss

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When you enter into a new family as a step-parent, it can be easy to just ignore the fact that they have lost a parent living in their home and being there all the time.  But if you don't acknowledge the elephant in the room, they might feel like you don't fully appreciate what they're going through and perhaps feel about you acting as their replacement.

18. Ignoring family traditions

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When you enter a new family as a step-parent, there will be certain family traditions that aren't up for negotiation.  Things like Christmas morning and what they do on Friday nights are so important to them as a family, as routine is important to kids, and coming in and ignoring those traditions can make the transition so much harder.  The kids might also feel like you're changing too much in their lives and feel resentment towards them too.

19. Assuming instant friendship and love

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Assuming instant friendship and love can be another serious mistake that you make during the beginning of this huge transition.  The reality is, that you are not going to get instant love from the kids, they have to build their trust in you first.  If you assume that you're going to get it from the start, you might also feel resentment towards them when they don't show instant love and this can also damage your future relationship.

20. Unrealistic expectations

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It's safe to say that the kids are probably going through quite a lot, so expecting everything to be all sunshine and rainbows is just completely unrealistic.  You're more likely to be faced with some hostility, you might be ignored, you might not be instantly accepted but that's totally normal.  Just be patient and let it unravel in its own time.  Rushing it will only slow the process.

21. Trying to be completely in control

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You need to also accept that you're not really in control of this situation, the kids are.  However, instead of trying to take the reins, you can do some things to help manage the process a little.  Things like setting boundaries, acknowledging emotions, and listening with an empathetic ear can really help you feel like you have some control of the situation.

22. Overreacting to rejection

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There is a good chance that the children won't accept you at first.  But overreacting to this rejection either to their faces or quietly to yourself can really eat you up and possibly damage your chances of developing a decent relationship with them.  Overreacting could even cause tension in your relationship with your biological parent too.  Try to not take it too personally, they're probably going through a lot.

23. Undermining certain rules

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You have to remember that you're joining another family, so whatever came before might have been different from how you run your own household.  Certain rules might already be in place and well established and undermining the rules of your partner or their ex-spouse might cause some problems with the kids' behavior and perhaps cause tension within your own relationships.

24. Challenging your partner's parenting style

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Communication is key to being able to create a blended family or become a step-parent but one piece of communication that would never be appreciated would be challenging your partner's parenting style.  This is obviously problematic and could cause friction in your relationship.  Showing an understanding of different styles and communicating concerns in a civil way will be more successful.

25. Overlooking the feelings of the ex-partner

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When you become a step-parent, whether you like it or not, your partner's ex-spouse will probably be in the picture.  And you have to remember that your stepkids are likely to be their biological kids and they're more than likely to want to protect them.  So ignoring the feelings of the ex can be particularly damaging, especially because of where the kids' loyalty is likely to lie.

26. Not providing opportunities for bonding

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As a new step-parent, you might want to give the kids their own space to get used to the idea of you sticking around.  But you can go too far and just not provide them with enough opportunities to bond with you and get to know you and for you to get to know them too.  You don't want to remain a stranger in their house forever, so it's important to strike a balance between giving them space and bonding with them.

27. Disregarding resentment

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Resentment might be quite a common emotion that you experience from your stepkids, but if you completely disregard it and do not address it, then how do you expect to fix it?  The kids might resent something really specific and if you don't know what exactly the issue is, there is no way you can get past these feelings towards you and it could make it much worse.

28. Not seeking help and support

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Becoming a stepparent can be a particularly challenging experience in life and knowing how to do it 'right' feels absolutely impossible.  But the thing is, there is no one size fits all with this as no family is the same.  However, you can seek help and support from loved ones as well as professionals to help you to work on this.  It takes a lot of hard work so go easy on yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help.

29. Not taking care of yourself

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When you become a step-parent, your responsibilities get a whole lot bigger, especially if you have your own kids too.  So it's easy to forget to take care of yourself.  Taking moments out for self-care can really help you to be able to deal with the challenges that may face you.  After taking the time you need to recharge, you'll find that you can probably face it more effectively and with more enthusiasm.

30. Not celebrating small wins

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Becoming a step-parent can be an incredibly challenging experience to go through for both you, your partner, and their kids.  And sometimes, the hard work you put in can feel a little futile.  However, if you reflect on each day, you will probably be able to pick out some of the good things you've achieved together.  Celebrating small wins can really help you to stay positive.