What Is Gentle Parenting And How It Is Implemented

1. What is Gentle Parenting?

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Gentle Parenting is an approach to parenting approach that focuses on teaching and guiding children toward responsible and compassionate behavior as they grow.  It encourages a strong partnership between parent and child and prioritizes understanding their emotions, as well as emphasizing problem-solving and positive communication.

2. Common misconceptions

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Due to the nature of the Gentle Parenting philosophy, many people criticize it on the basis that they assume that it is boundary-free and avoids discipline.  This, of course, leads many parents to worry that they might lose control if they implement this parenting approach.

3. Is it really boundary-free?

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However, advocates for the Gentle Parenting approach, including Montessori educators, will reassure parents that this parenting method doesn't completely avoid discipline or boundaries.  In fact, gentle parents believe that this approach sets boundaries in a way that has a long-term impact.

4. What are the goals?

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The goal of the Gentle Parenting approach is to primarily encourage a partnership between the parent and child.  This basically means that the child will be given choices to help them learn from certain situations, learn about boundaries and responsibility, and experience the full spectrum of emotions.  Gentle Parenting aims to help children to become independent, and take responsibility for themselves, as well as teaches them to manage their feelings.

5. What is discouraged?

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Generally speaking, when your child is crying, you might impulsively tell them to stop.  However, this is discouraged in this parenting approach which encourages a parent to stay calm and model how their child can experience and manage this negative emotion, whether it's frustration or sadness or something else.

6. Gentle Parenting and its 3 main strands

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Gentle Parents tend to follow three main elements that help to support their approach.  These include empathy, understanding, and respect.  These three strands make parents aware of their own behaviors, meaning that they understand that their child is going to learn by watching them.  These elements also emphasize the goal that their child feels loved for who they are as their own person.

7. Empathy

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When you're carried away with family life, it can be easy to forget to pause to empathize with your child.  And according to this approach, this could mean that as a parent, you might miss something.  For example, pausing to empathize with your child when they're upset or nervous can help you to understand why they're feeling that way and what they need.

8. Understanding

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When you're a busy grown-up, you inevitably forget what it's actually like to be a child and how different their experiences are compared to adults.  So take the time to understand that their behavior and reactions are usually appropriate for their age.  Remembering to say to yourself:  "Well, OK, they are acting like a child and that's because they ARE a child" can really help with this strand.

9. Respect

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Clearly showing that you respect your child can really teach them about what this concept actually is and that it is a choice for them to make.  To implement this with the Gentle Parenting approach so that it sticks with them into adulthood, you can swap overt commands for gentler requests or invitations to cooperate.

10. Encouraging a partnership

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Rather than the authoritative: 'I'm the parent, you're the child, so do what I say' approach, Gentle Parenting is more about building a partnership with your child.  It's all about nurturing their willingness from within to make responsible choices rather than pressuring them from the outside to bend to your will.

11. Establishing expectations

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Gentle parents want their children to feel safe in learning from different situations that life throws at them.  But instead of allowing them to find out for themselves, parents guide their children into making good choices.  One way to implement this into your day is to establish expectations that you have for their behavior before you head out somewhere.  For example, holding hands to cross the road or staying in sight at the park, explaining that this is for their safety.

12. Taking responsibility

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Explaining why you have reached these expectations, i.e. for their safety, can really help them to take responsibility for their own actions and learn about making good choices.  Another way to teach them responsibility is also by modeling behavior, for example, modeling how to deal with negative emotions in a calm way.

13. Guidance rather than doing as you say

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Gentle Parenting is ultimately about encouraging your child to become independent.  That means making responsible choices, as well as managing their own emotions.  And the best way to nurture their independence is, according to this approach, by letting them actually be independent.

14. Exploration of emotion

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As a gentle parent, navigating the full spectrum of emotions with your child is also important.  This means the good and the bad.  Teaching them how to manage their emotions means that as a parent, you allow them to feel them.  But rather than just letting them scream out their frustrations, you are encouraged to model how they can safely experience negative emotions.

15. Clearly accepting the child's experience

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Experts and Gentle Parenting advocates suggest that when parents don't immediately shut down a child's reaction to their feelings, like telling them to stop crying, for instance, then they feel like they're accepted and that their feelings are valid.  Being aware of these emotions allows them to learn about them without restrictions, as well as build their resilience to the more 'negative' ones.

16. Honoring the child's emotions

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Not only this but acknowledging and honoring their child's feelings can help parents to empathize with their children and thus teach their children about how to be empathetic towards others.  Simply stating that they understand how big it feels right now, and modeling another way, like deep breathing, can really help a child to manage their emotions in safer ways.

17. Not stopping the crying...

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Crying children can be quite stress-inducing and the impulsive reaction of lots of parents would be to try to tell them to stop crying.  However, allowing them to feel the emotion and modeling another way of dealing with it can allow children to learn how to react to their feelings whilst in the safety of their parent's care.

18. Incorporating this philosophy into everyday

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The Gentle Parenting Approach can seem like it makes sense on paper but actually implementing it into your everyday life, especially when other habits and routines are already well established, can be a whole other story.  And it can be quite daunting to think about changing your approach to parenting.  However, there are some more simple things that you can incorporate each day to help you implement some of these ideas.

19. Comment on the action, not the person

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One thing that you need to remember is the element of Gentle Parenting that covers 'Understanding'.  You see, children will act their age, and sometimes it's easy to forget that their behavior is actually age-appropriate.  So rather than making a comment about your child, commenting on the action has been proven to be more effective as it avoids triggering shame and emphasizes that mistakes are part of learning.

20. Model kindness

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Modeling all kinds of kindness can go a long way too.  This means not only kindness towards others but very importantly, kindness towards yourself.  This will teach them to have some self-compassion towards their own and other people's emotions and understand how to practice self-care and how to treat others too.

21. Ditch overt commands

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Gentle parenting is about teamwork.  You are essentially in partnership with your child and you want them to collaborate with you.  So instead of commanding them to do something like 'brush your teeth', mitigate this command by turning it into an invitation.  They're probably less likely to rebel and more likely to 'choose' to make the responsible choice.

22. Consider the alternatives to saying no

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Saying no is probably part of every parent's experience.  But, interestingly, the Gentle Parenting Approach encourages you to find alternatives to 'no'.  You're essentially focusing on the positive action or the action you want to achieve.  So, for example, instead of saying: 'don't throw the ball in the house'; think about alternatives like: 'Why don't we take the ball outside?'

23. Offer choices

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Thinking about alternatives to saying no, you could instead offer them choices.  The Gentle Parenting approach encourages independence in children, so offering choices might also teach them how to make responsible decisions, which then, of course, can feed into their experiences later in life.

24. Prioritize bonding

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If you prioritize bonding with your child, you are likely to be able to maintain a strong connection with them as they grow.  You can spend quality time with your children, planning and engaging in activities that you all enjoy.  This makes your collaboration in making decisions and navigating emotions much stronger.

25. Give them responsibilities

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Ensuring that your child has age-appropriate responsibilities, as well as allowing them to make their own choices and have the freedom to explore the world and navigate their own thoughts and emotions can also foster their independence and confidence as they grow.

26. Be patient

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As with any parenting approach, Gentle Parenting takes time and patience.  The thing is, children need the time to develop emotionally and mentally as they grow and you just have to accept that they won't always meet your expectations.  Guiding them with love and support will go a long way in nurturing them into well-rounded individuals.

27. Be flexible

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Parenting is never a one-size-fits-all endeavor, and the same goes for this approach.  Every child is different, even if they are in the same family.  One thing that worked for an older sibling might not work for them.  So be flexible and adapt to your children's differing and changing needs.

28. Practice mindfulness

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Practicing mindfulness in your parenting approach can help you to become more present and engaged with your children, particularly during your interactions.  Mindfulness can help you to empathize with them and understand what they need so you can respond in a calm and thoughtful manner.

29. Take some time out for yourself

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Parenting is hard.  And you could argue that the Gentle Parenting approach has many challenges, particularly with the need to stay calm, be present and thoughtful, as well as attempt to not act upon impulses, like making commands, becoming angry, or telling them to stop crying.  It's important that whatever approach you take, you take some time for yourself to practice self-care and take a step away for a short while to recharge.

30. Seek support

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With all of the beautiful moments that come with parenting and the pride of watching your children grow, there are also so many challenges that can be hard to deal with on your own.  So seek support: join parenting forums online or face-to-face community groups; share experiences and gain support from like-minded parents.