30 Things We Only Do When We Are Parents

1. Diaper Duty

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Whoa, buddy, welcome to the major leagues of stink control! Diaper duty isn't for the faint of heart. Picture this—you're up at 3 a.m., eyes half-shut, and then BAM! The stench hits you like a freight train. But guess what? You're the MVP in this stinky situation. You change that diaper like you're defusing a bomb. Thank heavens for modern diapers that can hold a lake, right? God bless the inventor of baby wipes!

2. Sleep Deprivation

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Zzzz—wait, what? Sleep? What's that? Ever since your little munchkin entered the scene, sleep's become like that old high school friend you used to hang out with but barely see anymore. You get by on coffee and willpower, and yet you're still standing! Yeah, you might forget where you put your car keys or why you walked into a room, but hey, that's life in the fast lane of parentville!

3. Baby Talk

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Goo goo, ga ga! Before becoming a parent, you spoke like a Shakespearean scholar, all "Wherefore art thou?" But now? You’re fluent in gibberish and proud of it. Your friends might think you've lost your marbles, but to your baby, you're the Einstein of communication. Those goo-goos and ga-gas are actually boosting your baby's language skills, so rock on with your bad self!

4. Puree Everything

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Welcome to Iron Chef: Baby Edition! Remember when dinner meant, you know, adult food? Now, you're the Picasso of pureeing! Broccoli, chicken, even mangoes—they all get the blender treatment. You've got purees in every color of the rainbow, and your kitchen looks like a science lab. But those tiny jars of mush? That's liquid gold, baby! You've become the culinary maestro your kiddo deserves.

5. Worrying 24/7

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Hold the phone! Is that a sniffle or the start of the bubonic plague? Parenting cranks the worry meter up to eleven. From fevers to friendship woes, you're on high alert. But let's be real; that worry is wrapped in a blanket of unconditional love. You become an expert in the art of WebMD-ing symptoms, only to end up calling grandma for her age-old wisdom. Worrying? Nah, let's call it extreme caring!

6. Becoming a Chauffeur

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Reddit

Beep, beep! Make way, 'cause you've become the family chauffeur. Whether it's school drop-offs, football practice, or orthodontist visits, you're the one behind the wheel. Your vehicle's a mosaic of snack crumbs, action figures, and the odd stray assignment. You're on a first-name basis with the folks at the fuel pump. But you know what? You kinda love it. Some of the most memorable chats with your kiddos happen during those car rides.

7. Playing Pretend

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Reddit

Once upon a time, you knew tax codes better than fairy tales. Now, you're the fire-breathing dragon in your kiddo's castle adventure. You wear more hats than a Hollywood costume department—doctor, pirate, unicorn, you name it. You're nailing this role-play game so hard, even Meryl Streep would give you an Oscar. Life's a stage, and your little actor loves it when you co-star!

8. Reading Children's Books

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Oh, man, strap in for storytime central! Dr. Seuss, eat your heart out 'cause you've read "The Cat in the Hat" so many times, you could recite it in your sleep. And guess what? Your kid wants to hear it again, and again, and again. You're practically an audiobook at this point. You even do all the voices, from the Gruffalo's growl to Elsa's high notes. Who knew you had such talent? But let's keep it real, nothing beats that quality time with your mini-me, book after book.

9. Potty Training

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Welcome to the Toilet Bowl, the Super Bowl of parenting! You've got your cheers, your dance moves, and you're not afraid to use 'em. That first time your little one uses the potty? It's like they won the World Series. You're snapping photos, calling the grandparents; it's a full-on festival! Gone are the days when bathroom talk was TMI. Now, it's the talk of the town, and you're the proud coach.

10. Kid-Friendly Playlist

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Bye-bye, Beatles! Hello, Baby Shark! Your playlist has been taken over by songs with more hooks than a tackle box. You're jammin' to "Wheels on the Bus" like it's the hottest track of the year. And you know what? It's kinda catchy! Don't be surprised if you catch yourself humming these tunes during a business meeting. Your musical taste may have changed, but the dance parties are just as fun!

11. Scheduled Everything

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Congrats, you're now the CEO of a startup called "Family Life," and scheduling is your game! Color-coded calendars, alarm reminders, sticky notes—your house looks like an operations center. Naptime? There's a slot for that. Snack time? It's on the agenda. Spontaneity has left the chat, but that's A-OK because a well-oiled machine keeps the family train running smoothly.

12. Master of Distraction

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Quick! Look over there—a squirrel! No, not you, silly, your tot! You've become a magician at averting toddler meltdowns with the flick of a wrist. A new toy, a random song, maybe even a funny face. Whatever it takes to avoid a public spectacle. It's a delicate art, but you've got it down to a science. Houdini's got nothing on you!

13. Assembling Toys

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Oh boy, break out the toolkit! Remember when furniture was your biggest assembly challenge? Ha! Those were the days. Now, you're piecing together toys that look like they were designed by NASA engineers. Step 47 out of 105? Yikes. But you power through, 'cause nothing beats the smile on your kiddo's face when they see the final product. Call you the Master Builder, 'cause you've earned it!

14. Bag of Everything

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You're not just a parent; you're a walking convenience store! Diapers, wipes, snacks, extra clothes, toys, Band-Aids—you name it, you've got it. Your bag's like Mary Poppins' carpet bag, bottomless and full of surprises. Forget Louis Vuitton; the diaper bag is your new status symbol. And you know what? You wouldn’t trade it for the world.

15. Sticker Charts

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Welcome to Wall Street for tots, where stickers are the hottest commodity! Good behavior? That's a sticker! Aced the potty? That’s another! You've got charts on the fridge, in their room, even a travel version. Heck, you might even be tempted to start a sticker chart for yourself. Nothing motivates like a shiny star sticker, am I right? It's economics, parenting style!

16. Parent-Teacher Meetings

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Move over, business meetings; parent-teacher conferences are the new power summit! You're sittin' in a tiny chair, knee to knee with Miss Johnson, talkin' ABCs and 123s. And you're all ears, soaking up that teacher wisdom like a sponge. Is your kiddo the next Einstein or perhaps the class clown? Either way, you're on it like white on rice!

17. Making Baby Food

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Roll up those sleeves, Julia Child, 'cause it's time for gourmet baby grub! You're blending, mashing, and even seasoning like a pro chef. Store-bought jars? Nah, you’re going all organic, farm-to-high-chair. Your baby’s palate is more refined than a food critic’s, all thanks to you. Bon appétit, baby!

18. Selective Eating

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Peas? Yuck! Carrots? No way! You’re navigating a culinary minefield with the finesse of a diplomat. Picky eating has turned you into a food sculptor, making trees out of broccoli and smiley faces out of fruit. And when all else fails? Ketchup. Ketchup on everything. Hey, a parent’s gotta do what a parent’s gotta do!

19. No More Privacy

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Ah, the days of peaceful bathroom breaks seem like a distant memory, don't they? Now, your kiddo's following you in with a barrage of questions and unfiltered commentary. Ever tried to ponder life's mysteries while answering why elephants are so big? It's a challenge, but also a hilarious, unforgettable part of this parenting adventure you're on.

20. Crafting Expert

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Step aside, Martha Stewart! Glitter, glue sticks, and construction paper are your new BFFs. Your living room's been transformed into a DIY paradise, and you’re lovin' it. From paper plate masks to homemade playdough, you're the reigning champion of crafts. And the best part? Those sticky, glittery hugs at the end of each project.

21. Nursery Rhymes

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Oh man, you've got more nursery rhymes in your head than a children's librarian! "Old MacDonald" and "Humpty Dumpty" are on loop 24/7, and you’re the main performer. You never thought you'd be an expert in this genre, but here you are, making those rhymes come alive. Sing it loud and proud!

22. Finding "Me Time"

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A bubble bath? Reading a book? Haha, good one! "Me Time" has morphed into sneaking a chocolate bar in the pantry while the kiddos are distracted. But guess what? Those precious five minutes are pure gold, a mini-vacation from the whirlwind of parenting. And let's be honest, it's the little escapes that keep us sane and ready for round two, three, and four of the daily grind.

23. Doctor Visits

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Hold on tight, 'cause you're heading to the pediatrician more often than a NASCAR pit stop! From vaccinations to that suspicious-looking rash, you've got the doc's number on speed dial. Your diaper bag is now a portable pharmacy, and you can measure out 5 mL of baby Tylenol faster than a bartender pouring a shot. Yeah, you’ve got this healthcare thing down to a science!

24. Theme Parks for Toddlers

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Disneyland, here we come! But forget Space Mountain; you're all about those teacups and flying elephants. You’re mapping out your day around nap times and snack breaks, 'cause heaven forbid you miss that golden window. It's a whole new world, and you're navigating it like a pro, one toddler ride at a time.

25. Safety Obsession

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Babyproofing? You’ve got that covered, literally! Every corner is cushioned, every outlet is covered, and your cleaning supplies are locked up like Fort Knox. Your home is now a padded playground, and you're the security guard on duty, 24/7. Better safe than sorry is your new motto!

26. Portable Entertainment

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Remember when your smartphone was for emails and social media? Now it's a digital babysitter in a pinch. You've got a collection of kid-friendly apps and videos that could rival Netflix. Who knew that animated farm animals could bring such peace and quiet? Tech for the win!

27. Public Performances

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You've got more moves than Jagger when trying to calm a grocery store meltdown. Singing, dancing, silly faces—you'll pull out all the stops to avoid the judging eyes of fellow shoppers. Is it embarrassing? Maybe a little. Is it effective? You bet your bottom dollar it is!

28. Laundry Mountain

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Forget Everest; The Laundry Mountain is the new peak that needs to be conquered! You're scaling piles of tiny tees and onesies like a seasoned climber. And just when you reach the summit, a new load appears. It’s an endless cycle, but someone's gotta do it!

29. Stealth Mode

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Tip-toeing through the house like a ninja, just to avoid waking the baby? You’ve mastered the art! Avoiding every creaky floorboard becomes a high-stakes mission, and you're the stealthy agent in charge. Mission accomplished when you make it out of the nursery undetected!

30. Unconditional Love

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Last but not least, the big kahuna! Parenting is an emotional roller coaster, but man, that love! It's bigger than Texas, brighter than Broadway, and it fills your heart to the brim. It’s the fuel that powers you through each challenging, beautiful, messy, wonderful day. You’re a superhero, cape or no cape, and you're doing an amazing job!