How To Spot A Narcissist In A Relationship

Your significant other is controlling

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It doesn't matter what you want to do, they have already made the plans for you. This is a clear sign of a narcissist in a relationship, and one that will simply ruin your life. When the control becomes unhealthy, it's best to say goodbye and get your life back right away.

It’s hard to celebrate your wins

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When you achieve something, the first person you want to tell is your partner, but this is not always the case when you are with a narcissist. It can be really difficult to tell them when you have achieved something due to their awful reaction to it. Spoiler alert: that’s not healthy!

They never apologize

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Not every fight is your fault, and at times you will both do something wrong to upset each other. The clear sign of a narcissist is when they do not apologize at the end of a fight. This can make the resolution hard to gain and make you feel stuck in an argument.

They don’t like your family

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Along with the other points, if your partner does not like your family (and there’s no reason for it), then they probably are narcissists. This is because they don't like the bond you have with them and will try to break that down. The best thing to do is be clear with them about it.

It’s always your fault

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It does not matter who caused the fight or who is in the wrong; if you are with a narcissist, you will always be the one to blame for it. You might find yourself always apologizing and being the one to stop the fight. You should never ignore how often your partner accuses you of being in the wrong.

The relationship was different at the start

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You might be holding on to how good the relationship was at the start, and this is what keeps you with the person. You are probably longing for the day that it will go back to how it was. However, if you are with a narcissist, then sorry but this is not likely to happen.

After a fight, they love bomb you

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When the narcissist is in the wrong, you might find they shower you with gifts and compliments after the fight is over. This is a love bombing technique used to make you forget anything that has happened in the past. It's important to be aware of this so you can recognize it if it ever happens to you.

You feel bad when they do something wrong

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If you have been with a narcissist for a while, you might find yourself feeling bad when they do something wrong. This is because you are scared of what happens when you fight, so you feel bad for them instead. It's important to be aware of these emotions.

You're scared of them

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This is a pretty serious point, and if you are scared of your partner, then you need to find a way to get out of the relationship. Remember, your partner has given you reason to be scared, and you should not feel like this at all. A narcissist will make you feel crazy for this.

They don’t like your friends

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If you are with a narcissist, it's probably not your fault that they don't like your friends. This is very common and something you should be aware of with narcissists. Try to keep your friends close, even if your partner does not like them, after all, you’re going to need them if the relationship ends.

You have to compliment them a lot

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A narcissist will have a big ego that has to be fed and watered, which is something that the partner has to do (unfortunately). You might feel like you are always complimenting your partner in order to keep them happy. This is not healthy, nor is it something that you should have to do.

You have to follow their plans

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If you have been with a narcissist, it might be hard to see that you really don't ever get to do what you have planned each day. This is because your goals will be shaped by the narcissist that you are and these will be the only goals you follow. It can be hard to realize at first.

What they are doing is more important

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Life is busy, and many people have plans that can clash in relationships. The way to make this work is to compromise in a fair way, but if you are with a narcissist, then you don't have a choice. What they are doing will always be the priority, and you can't work around that.

You hesitate to tell them bad news

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When you have bad news, normally the first person you tell it to is your partner. However, if you are with a narcissist, this would not be an option. Being aware of the way they handle themselves, it can be quite scary to tell a narcissist bad news.

They don’t help when you are feeling sad

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Your partner should automatically be able to comfort you when you are sad, and this should be something that they do automatically. However, with a narcissist, this is not the case. They may become angry and frustrated with your emotions and not know how to take care of you.

They can be easily upset

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Even though when you are with a narcissist, you try hard to ensure they do not get upset, it can be hard to stop this. A narcissist will get upset over the smallest things you do, which makes it hard to have any control over them at all. It's best to act as normal as possible.

Your partner struggles with regulating emotions

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Following on from the last point, when your partner gets upset, if they are a narcissist, they probably won't be able to control their emotions very well. This can mean that they will become very angry and frustrated with you easily, and this can become quite scary.

Your partner has to be center of attention

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In social situations, a narcissist will want to be the center of attention. If they are making a joke, then they will expect everyone to laugh and want power over all conversations. This can be attractive at the start of the relationship but then become tiresome.

They talk a lot about their own success

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It's important that your partner can talk about their success and celebrate it with you. However, a narcissist will not be able to do this in a healthy way, and all of their success will be the main topic of conversation. You can forget about any success you have had.

Envious of others

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Because a narcissist is so obsessed with their own success, they will be very envious of anyone else's proud moments. They may put them down to make themselves feel better, which can be embarrassing in social situations. This is a big sign of a narcissist.

They’re rude to random strangers

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When you are out in public with a narcissist, they may appear to be rude to members of the public. This is something you will notice in situations like going out for dinner with them. They may have awful etiquette toward the staff and act very privileged… big red flag!

Your partner is never vulnerable

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It might be difficult to get anything deep from your partner if they are a narcissist. This is because they live their lives being the best, and in their own eyes, there cannot be anything different from this. This is why they are unlikely to tell you how they are feeling.

Lies cause issues in your relationship

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It's an issue in itself if you have a partner who tells a lot of lies and causes issues in the relationship. This type of behavior is common in a narcissist and will be done to make them look a lot better than they are. It's important to be aware of how serious this is.

The relationship is unstable

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If the relationship has been going for some time, you might be pretty used to the relationship having a lot of ups and downs. This is not healthy and could be because of your narcissistic partner. A healthy relationship will be stable and not fluctuate between highs and lows.

They can be volatile

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Even if the partner you are with is not a narcissist, it is important to stay away from them if they are volatile. This means that they cannot control their anger and may take it out on you. This is a very common sign of a narcissist and is definitely not healthy in a relationship.

You can’t tell them what you don’t like about them

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A narcissist will find it very hard to accept any form of constructive criticism. This makes it very hard to tell them things that you don't like about them. It also stunts personal growth and means you have to hold back from saying anything bad about them.

There’s no growth in the relationship

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Following on from the last point, if you do not have the opportunity to tell them what you don't like about the relationship, there is no room to grow. This means that if you are with a narcissist, you will have no progression in the relationship and can feel stuck.

Protecting their ego is a big part of your relationship

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Because a narcissist is so invested in their ego as their partner, you may feel it your duty to ensure that it stays protected. This can be a reason, given the other points, why you don't tell them anything bad about themselves. It can be a draining task.

You get insulted a lot by your partner

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A narcissist does not know how to act in arguments and fights, which is why it is very common to see them use verbal insults at their partners. This is due to them believing it is the right behavior, and they’ll often do it automatically. Naturally, it can hurt and upset you.

They laugh when you are upset

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Because a narcissist does not know how to deal with other people's emotions, you may find that they laugh when you are upset. This can make it worse for you and create a lot of issues in the relationship. This is all due to their not having any empathy at all.

They will 'set the terms' of the relationship

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A relationship should be a team effort where you consider each other equally, but with a narcissist - as we now know - it's all about them. That means that it's their way or the highway, but it won't be as simple as them breaking up with you if you don't 'agree' to the terms. They'll stay with you but make your life a misery.

They'll be hypocrites living by double standards

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And because narcissists set the term, they're going to use their power to wriggle out of certain standards from time to time. They expect certain things from you but they won't give the same in return, act hypocritically but then turn it on you if you call them out on it.

They'll only consider your feelings if it benefits them

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It's very unlikely that a narcissist is ever going to consider your feelings out of the goodness of their heart, so if they actually do, it's likely because it'll lead to an outcome that benefits them. Maybe if they act like they care you'll do something for them that they need you to do.

Apologies will never be genuine

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It's rare for an apology to come out of a narcissist's mouth, so if it does, there's a high chance that it's not going to be a genuine one. They're likely saying sorry just to get you to drop the subject or because it benefits them for you to think that they're truly sorry.

They only care about how they appear to others

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You'll see a huge change in how a narcissist treats you when you're with other people. They might act kinder towards you, be more willing to consider your feelings in front of your friends and family, or act like you're the happiest couple in the world when you just had an argument before you left the house.

Things happen very differently behind closed doors

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This is where you can definitely see the difference of how they treat you when you're home alone. You might have had a day out where they were amazing with you in front of people, and as soon as you get through the front door, their demeanor changes and they're off with you.

They'll likely steamroll all your special occasions

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Special occasions about you, like your birthday, only mean that the spotlight isn't on them - and they don't like that. So they'll likely do something to make it more about them, such as influence what you do for your birthday celebration (like a place they want to go to instead of what you want).

They'll sulk or be 'off' at events about you

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This need for the spotlight also means that they're likely to be off with you at any event they have to attend that's more about you. If you invite them for dinner out with a group of your own friends they don't know very well, or your work colleagues, they're likely going to sulk.

Their behavior will never, ever change

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You might want to think that a narcissist's behavior is going to get better, that if they really love you they'll work on getting better for you, but nope - it's just never going to happen. It's the way they are, and because they're incapable of admitting their wrong, it's never going to change - because in their eyes, there's nothing to change.

You'll never win - even when you're absolutely right

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One of the most frustrating things about being in a relationship with a narcissist is that even when you're 100% right and you have proof, you have all the receipts, they STILL won't admit they're wrong, and they still won't apologise. There is absolutely no situation or argument that you're ever going to win.

You'll be extremely happy about the bare minimum

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Because you're so used to their bad moods and treading on eggshells around them, it'll get to the point where you standards bar is on the floor, because a day where they haven't said something 'off' or got mad is the best day in the world to you - when really, that's the bare minimum from a loving partner.

Watch them around your pets

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Narcissists can often treat your pets in the same way. If you have a pet you bring into the relationship, they may love bomb your pet, too, right at the beginning. But over time, you might notice them being more aloof, or even mean to your pet if you fallout, such as saying something bad about them during an argument just to hurt your feelings even more.

They'll make an effort with family and friends when dating only

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They'll seem like the perfect partner in the early days of your relationship and all your family will love them, because that's what they want - they want to manipulate into thinking they love spending time with your family and friends. Over time, once you've got into that 'serious' relationship status, they'll stop making an effort.

Watch them always use you as a scapegoat

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They're likely doing this without you even knowing when they're talking to other people. They'll put you down or blame you for certain situations - anything to take the blame off themselves. If you're both late to an event - because of them - they'll likely say openly it was your fault.

If he's ashamed or angry, he'll take it out on you

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When narcissists are feeling ashamed, that doesn't sit right, because it means they've done something to feel bad about. So instead, they'll project that anger and shame onto you and make it as though you're the one who has done something wrong to make themselves feel better.

You'll lose all sense of yourself

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One of the worst things to happen when you're stuck in a relationship with a narcissist is that you will become a shell of what you once were. You won't even know who you are anymore in terms of knowing your own feelings, your own passions or what makes you happy. They've sapped you of your strength.

Simple conversations can switch in an instant

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You might think you're getting along fine on a good day and suddenly they come out with something angrily in response to something you said. You might feel it like a slap in the face because it comes out of nowhere and you're so confused. It's likely they've just been harboring bad feelings about something, waiting to use it as ammunition.

They'll bring up something that happened a million years ago

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Narcissists never forgive and forget. They like to make you think they've let go of something that happened or accepted your apology, but if you annoy them down the line - even years down the line - they'll bring up that one mistake you made so they can use it against you again.

Gaslighting is pretty much guaranteed

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Gaslighting is when they'll try to get you to doubt the reality or truth of a situation, and usually to manipulate you or make you think things are your fault instead of theirs. This will happen all the time with a narcissist because it's a way of them making you doubt your own reality.

You'll likely end up blaming and doubting yourself

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The worst result of being in a relationship with a narcissist, ultimately, is that you will start to blame yourself for everything, because they've made you doubt yourself so much and blamed you for so long. Remember: it's not your fault, their actions aren't their fault and recognizing the signs is the first step of getting out of the relationship.