10 Telltale Signs Of A Pick Me Girl

1. They claim they're "not like other girls"

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This is the calling card of the Pick Me girl: her raison d'etre, her rallying cry! If the Pick Me girls marched into battle, this is what they'd have on their banners. A 'Pick Me' is defined by her need to clarify that she isn't like other women- all in the interests of winning male approval.

What's wrong with being like other girls?

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This rallying cry raises one huge question: what, exactly, is wrong with being like other girls? Someone so determined to clarify how dissimilar they are to the rest of the women population, it implies they think there's something inherently negative about most women.

It's partly down to internalised misogyny

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This cuts right to the crux of the cultural figure of the Pick Me. Annoying as they can be, we should always treat people exhibiting this behaviour with empathy. There's a strong likelihood that they're suffering from internalised misogyny, which can be pervasive and crippling. *Shakes fist at patriarchy/in air*

2. They refuse to be friends with other women

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This is a huge thing in the Pick Me universe. A central trope of this figure is their claim that they don't, or even can't have female friends. As part of their rejection of all things feminine, they sacrifice one of the most beautiful things in the world: female friendship!

They say that female friendships are too much drama

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A common claim, when challenged on this, is that women are just "too emotional" or "too dramatic" to maintain meaningful platonic relationships with. There's that internalised misogyny rearing it's ugly head again! A Pick Me will claim their having only male friends is to do with avoiding drama and toxicity.

A life without girls' night

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It's such a shame- just think what they're missing out on. Is there anything better than a girls' night out? No! Except, potentially, a girls' night IN! Either way, it's those girlfriends that get us through life- sharing everything from laughter to tears, the sublime to the silly, and from rose to painkillers the next morning.

3. They put other women down, especially around men

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A Pick Me's critique of women and femininity isn't just expressed in generalities, like "women cry too much". It can also manifest as specific put downs, about actual women they know. Mean comments can seem to come out of nowhere from her, but just know it isn't personal, it's just her MO.

"Why are you wearing makeup, it's just a casual hang out?"

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Sometimes these come as veiled barbs, designed to embarrass other women in front of men. Imagine meeting up with one of these women and some guys, and all she can do is comment about how you're overdressed, drawing everyone's attention to you in an uncomfortable way. Not nice!

Back handed compliments

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Even worse, perhaps, is being put down by a back handed complement. Things like "your makeup looks great, I just can't imagine spending all that time and energy on my face though- like, who cares?" This is especially infuriating because, as it's cloaked by a positive comment, it's hard to call out!

4. Play-fighting

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This one might sound weirdly specific, but it's another textbook way a Pick Me gal tries to signal that she's "just one of the guys". Wrestling with men and claiming that it isn't weird because 'they're like brothers to you' is kind of cringe behaviour.

We're not on WWE babe

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If for instance, your boyfriend is the one she's attempting to wrestle, it can get seriously awkward. They'll protest that it's totally innocent and, in a way, it is. But what kind of grown adult play wrestles anyway? The important thing should be respecting your boundaries as a couple.

Taking the name of platonic friendship in vain

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We're big When Harry Met Sally fans (I mean, who isn't?) but most of us agree that men and women can have genuinely platonic friendships. That's why it's sad to see the idea of male-female friendship used as a cover for flirting and attention seeking.

5. They think that men are from Mars and women are from Venus

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That's how to old saying goes, right? The phrase originates from a self help book published way back in 1992. What a throwback, hey? That makes it no surprise that we've come on a long way in the way we think about men and women, and what it means to be either (or neither, or both!)

Old school opinions on gender

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But to embody the cliche of a Pick Me, you have to invest a lot of time aligning yourself with traditional 'masculine' cultures and tastes, and disavowing anything considered traditionally feminine. This whole process means you need to subscribe to quite an old fashioned world view.

"Living in two tribes, and headed for war"

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That Girls Aloud lyrics (side bar: 'Love Machine' is a certified banger) is exactly the way a Pick Me sees the gender divide. Men and women, in their eyes, are two sides in a battle of sorts and they know which side they've picked. But not all men are the same, and not all women are either- it's all a lot more complex than that!

6. They go on and on about how small they are

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This one is truly infuriating. The Pick Me's obsession with their own tiny frame. Ok, you're short- what about it? Get over it! We've nothing against a petite lady, but does it have to become the topic of every conversation? Is it that fascinating that you're only 5 foot 1?!

Look at the difference in our hands

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This is another world endingly boring avenue for the conversation to go down. It's just biologically likely that, as a woman, your hands will be smaller than most mens'. Therefore, it's just not worthy of comment. Call me when you have bigger hands than Chad, then I'm listening.

They might be small, but the impact of their words could be massive

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If a Pick Me won't stop harping on about how miniature they are ("look how big Michael's sweater is on me! I could wear it as a dress!") it's also insensitive to other people around them. You never know who in the conversation might have insecurities about their own size.

7. They defend men in conflicts where they're clearly wrong

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It was Shania Twain who once sang, "the best part about being a woman, is the prerogative to have a little fun". Far be it from us to disagree with Shania and, let's face it, the prerogative to have a little fun is pretty sweet, but one of the best things about being a woman might just be sisterhood.

Where's the solidarity?

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One behaviour that might get someone labelled a Pick Me is siding with men in disputes where they are clearly wrong, just for the effect. The desire to be seen as 'on side' can lead someone with Pick Me tendencies to get behind and defend some pretty sketchy behaviour.

They want to be seen as a male ally

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Sometimes even in the face of a man's truly bad behaviour, she'll take his side - in order to seem on side with 'the boys' as a whole. It's a manipulative move, but in some cases they may even be doing it subconsciously, not even really realising what's happening.

8. Their personal brand is "the cool girl"

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Any fans of Gone Girl in the building? If you haven't read it, go and get a copy- it's such a page turner. One of the main characters, Amy, essentially described a Pick Me (she was way ahead of her time). She describes them as the Cool Girl: "They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be."

Cracking open a cold one with the boys

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What does that entail? Well, projecting obsessive enthusiasm for anything considered quintessentially appealing to men. Poker, football, hotdogs, beer. Of course, plenty of women just genuinely love these things- and that's absolutely fine, fantastic in fact! It's when it becomes a performance that it becomes annoying.

They like to appear 'low maintenance'

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Another part of being a Cool Girl/Pick Me is the insistence that, unlike other women (there's that catch phrase again1), you are "low maintenance". What does that even mean, really? Being considered "high maintenance" can sometimes just mean that you're demanding the level of emotional engagement any adult in a relationship deserves.

9. Wearing white to a wedding- when they aren't the bride

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This is the cardinal sin of wedding attendance. There are only a few golden rules right? Don't be late to the service; don't laugh during the cringe-inducing self penned vows; and don't have any of the cake until it's been cut by the bride and groom. Oh, and one more, DON'T WEAR WHITE!

Cream, eggshell, and off-white are also not allowed

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Unless the bride has explicitly said that she couldn't give a monkeys about people wearing white, it's a line you just don't cross. Insisting that things like this are "girly" and therefore not worth caring about or adhering to is just plain old disrespectful.

Attention seeking

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Wearing white to someone else's wedding is just a specific example of a much wider pattern of behaviours. The deep need driving this kind of acting out is a need for attention. Again, this is why its important to treat these people with empathy- tempting as it may be to scratch her eyes out.

10. Seeking approval

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The need to feel validated is pretty universal- on some level, we all want to be accepted and valued by others. This gets problematic when it comes at the expense of our own well being, or pushed us to treat others around us with disrespect- which is exactly what happens when someone starts acting like a Pick Me.

There might be signs

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If you pay close attention, underneath all the backhanded compliments and play acting, you might be able to spot signs that she is desperate for validation. Is she hyper aware of how her comments are received by 'the boys'? Does she look gutted if they don't laugh at her jokes or agree with her ideas?

Underneath it all, there's insecurity

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It all starts to add up to pain a picture of someone who just isn't truly happy on the inside. If they feel the need to 'pick a side' to be accepted, and their instinct is to put others down to try to keep yourself socially safe- they're probably feeling a bit alone and scared on the inside. Maybe Pick Mes, annoying as they are, aren't beyond all hope- perhaps with a little love and encouragement, they could ditch the act for good.