20 Boundaries We Should All Set With The In-Laws

Visiting your children is a privilege, not a right

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First thing's first, let's get one thing cleared up. Your in-laws don't have the privilege to see your kids, it's a right that's earned. If they treat you, or your partner, badly, then they do not get an automatic right to the children, just because they're related.

The kids ALWAYS come first

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Some in-laws can be needy, we know that, but when it comes to your partner choosing their parents over their kids, you have to admit that kids ALWAYS come first. That means you should enforce this fact the next time you and your partner are getting into an altercation.

Staying arms-length away from your relationship

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Some in-laws, particularly the mother-in-law, like to paddle a bit too close to your relationship waters, and that's a huge no-no. A relationship is between two people, no mothers involved. And if she continues to poke her nose in, make that boundary clear.

They shouldn't take sides during arguments

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Any kind of dispute that happens in your relationship is between you and your partner and nobody else. Don't let them weasel their way in and control the argument, they had nothing to do with it! You should make this very clear as it's easy to feel ganged up on.

Time restrictions on calling/texting

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Let's be honest, after a certain time of night, nobody should be calling or texting our phones, unless there's an emergency. However, we all just know them in-laws that like to keep tabs on their precious child and will treat EVERYTHING as though it's an emergency.

They shouldn't gate-keep big secrets

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Sometimes, the in-laws like to use information as currency, and this will go the same for secrets. For example, they're selling their home and moving three hours up-state... yet they still won't let you and your little family in on the secret. This should never be the case.

No unannounced arrivals at the house

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Don't you just hate, hate, hate that moment someone knocks on your door, unannounced, wanting to pop in for a drink? Well, what makes matters worse is when it's your in-laws because you KNOW they're going to judge. Make sure to cement this boundary with them.

Your finances are kept personal

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If there's one thing that the in-laws love doing, it's sticking their noses into your finances, and that's just not on. That's why you should aim to keep your finances between you and your partner, and put some trust into your partner that they won't go telling their parents.

Emotional blackmail is definitely not welcome

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Emotional blackmail is just the worst, but some in-laws will use it to their advantage. If something minor has happened, or your partner did something wrong, they'll use that as ammunition to get what they want. Whether that be company, lifts, seeing the grandchildren.

A bribe isn't a favor

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Listen, in-laws love to make out you're doing them a favor, when in reality, it's almost always transactional. For example, they want to see the kids this weekend, and will go out and buy you something nice so they can see them. Yeah, that's bribery.

Make sure to discuss gifts for the grand-kids

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If they're planning on buying any gifts for the kids, then that'll need to go through you and your partner first, for sure. Otherwise, you'll end up with two of the same stuff, some super expensive gifts, and disproportionate gifts between the grand-kids.

Lose the passive aggression

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Listen, it's rare that your in-laws are gonna be outright aggressive with you, so keep an eye out on that passive aggression. Snide remarks, key marks on the car, trampled door mat, you'd be surprised at how petty Boomers can be, so don't let them walk all over you.

They should respect your privacy

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Privacy is privacy for a reason, and that means you don't want your in-laws coming to your house and going through your belongings! It's normal for them to overstep the mark from time to time, but respectfully remind them that your privacy is not to be breached.

Advice should be given only when asked for

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Listen, advice is all well and good, but only when it's asked for. Sometimes, we don't need advice, and nor are we asking for it, but some people will like to give it either way. Next time they do it, maybe just thank them and mention you don't need any advice.

You don't always have to say yes

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Sometimes, your in-laws will make you feel a lot of pressure to say yes to everything. Can I see the kids on Sunday? Of course. Are you coming for dinner tonight? Absolutely. Just learn that it is absolutely okay to say no from time to time, you don't owe them anything.

Your house rules are for EVERYONE

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If you set house rules, that applies to everyone that steps foot through the door, and that includes your in-laws, not matter how at home they might feel. If you can see them blatantly disrespecting your home, politely mention it in passing to put in place a boundary.

Remind them to be sensitive to you and your family

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Listen, we didn't all grow up in the 60s or 70s. This is a different time, and mental health is all the more prevalent. If you notice your in-laws being insensitive towards you, your partner, or your kids, call them out on it. It's not fair that they upset you.

Hitting your kids is definitely not welcome

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If there's absolutely any one rule, this one is it. Never, should they ever, lay a finger on your kids. Back in the day, it might've been pretty normal to give your children a little smack, but these are different days, and that is not the way to reprimand a child.

They shouldn't speak ill of you in front of your kids

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Sometimes, the in-laws will be a little bit spiteful when it comes to what they tell your kids, especially if they don't like you. As long as you stay respectful and don't talk smack about them to your kids, you should expect them to behave the same way.

No gossiping behind your back

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If there's one thing people of that generation love to do, it's have a little gossip. But you, or your partner, shouldn't be the gossip point for your in-laws next gathering with friends. Your life is private, and you deserve better treatment than that.

How can you approach setting these boundaries?

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Now, it's all good saying what boundaries you should lay out with your in-laws, but what benefit is it if you don't know how to approach the boundaries subject? Well, we've got your covered. Read on for a few tips on how to approach these touchy subjects sensitively.

Identify the issues

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Firstly, what you'll want to do is identify the issues. It's not worth getting pent up over everything they do, they're never going to be perfect, but pick up on the issues that are bothering you the most, and compile a mental or physical list to bring forward.

Have an open and honest conversation with your partner

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As much as your in-laws are on your partner's side, your partner should be on yours, and it's always the best to have a conversation with them first. They might be able to shed a little light on why they behave certain ways, and it might make you understand more.

Start to change how often you interact with them

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If you do feel like you're seeing them wayyy too often, feel free to take a step back. It's nothing against them, but you want to get into a routine with your own family, and that should mean putting in place some separation time when you need to, don't feel guilty about it.

Don't compete for their affection

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Listen, if they aren't showing you any affection, then so be it. Don't try and compete for it, or go above and beyond for a little sign of appreciation as, ultimately, you're the better person whether you do or not. Just be mindful of this when it comes to your approach.

Reassure them that you are not competitors

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You are NOT your mother-in-law's competition, so don't stoop to their level. A lot of the time, mother-in-law's will look at new partners like they're trying to steal their child away, but we all know that's not how it works, and deep down they know that too.

Take a moment to try and understand their feelings

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It's always useful to take a step back and think about their feelings. Yes, they might be a bit pushy and clingy but why? Are they lonely? Do they have no friends? Do they have so much money they don't know what to do with it? It might help you better understand where they're coming from.

Avoid arguments for arguments-sake

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Arguments are probably gonna happen, it's unavoidable, but don't continue to argue with them over the tiniest things, as this isn't going to help you in the long run. You might look like you're being a perfectionist, but in reality, there's a lot more going on.

Make them realize nobody is perfect

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Your in-laws might have a high expectation of you, and often this can be a little too high. Unfortunately, we aren't perfect, and that's just the truth, so remind them that it's impossible for you to be perfect and to just back off a little bit. Don't exert yourself to become their image of the perfect partner!

Don't seek their approval

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Listen, you were you before you met your spouse, and you should continue to be your authentic self no matter what. That's what they fell for in the first place! So don't let your in-laws make you feel like you have to constantly seek their approval. Your with their child, not them.