Scary Signs A Partner Is Living A Double Life

1. Your gut is sending alarm bells ringing

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The best thing you can do, in any situation, is trust your gut. It's your natural instinct that you should depend on when it comes to relationships. Is your gut telling you that something is off with your partner? That you feel like they're another person when you're not around?

2. It's enough just to know *something* is off

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You don't have to have your gut tell you "yes, my partner is definitely living a double life" because it's enough just to know something

isn't right. It might not be that you know exactly what, but if you just know something feels off, this is what should warrant further investigation - don't ignore it!

3. They've become disconnected from you

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You might have noticed that your partner is acting suddenly disconnected from you, and your life together. They may feel distant emotionally, or not willing to show interest in your daily routines. This could be because they're too focused on their other life, or burnt out from the charade of it all!

4. They travel a lot for work

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That isn't to say that someone who has a job that sees them away a lot is automatically leading a double life - it's just more of a risk because they have better opportunity to 'be away for work' when actually that means spending time on their other life... it's important to weigh up how much time away is actually realistic for their line of work.

5. Or they might inexplicably disappear a lot

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Instead, they might have a regular job but be out of touch a lot of time without a clear explanation. If you don't know where they go early mornings, straight after work or on their lunch break when co-workers say they never see them, it could be they're filling in time on that other life.

6. They get angry when you change the time of routines

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Do you usually have a set time you call each other during the day, or a time you like to meet up? Have they ever reacted angrily or defensively when you don't stick to the routine? Have you called them an hour early one time only to have them tell you they can't talk right now and you shouldn't have called them?

7. Are they claiming to be part of the CIA or FBI?

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It may sound a bit dramatic, but sometimes people who say they work for the CIA or FBI (or any other secret military operation) can just be saying that because they're leading a double life and have the perfect excuse as to why they can't give you any details as to what they're doing!

8. They have extreme boundaries

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Healthy boundaries are important in a relationship, but are their boundaries so extreme they're bordering on worrying or ridiculous? This could be boundaries about the routine we mentioned - like "don't call me after 10pm" - or it could be them having a 20 point list of things you can't do or know about them.

9. You're not allowed to meet their family or friends

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Being in a relationship with someone who's not willing to let you meet their family or friends is a red flag in itself if you're looking for a long-term relationship. But maybe it's early days and it seems reasonable not to rush into it - except if they're being very secretive and strict about it, which could indicate something else is going on...

10. There's a place in the home you're not allowed to go

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Whether you live together, or they have their own place, is there a room that's completely private to them? Have they told you not to go into their 'office' or that the converted basement space is 'only for them' as their private sanctuary? You should have privacy as a couple, but it shouldn't be to the extreme that you're not allowed to see what's going on in there...

11. They like to hide their bank statements

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It's up to the individuals in a relationship how much financial information they want to share, but generally it's not going to be a problem if you know what they're spending or know how much money they have for bill paying. But if they never let you see a single scrap of their statements, it could be because they don't want you to see payments that have come out for other reasons...

12. They're secretive about their hometown or upbringing

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Someone leading a double life can often have things going on in different towns, or with people from their old life. It's likely this can also happen in a hometown if they've moved somewhere new. So it can be suspicious if they don't want to let you know where they grew up, where they moved from, or people they used to know...

13. They refuse to answer direct questions

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If you ask them where they've been at the weekend, what a particular payment was for or who the random phone call was from, don't expect a straight or honest answer. They may refuse to answer, get defensive, ask to stop talking about it, or even go so far as make threats about ending the relationship if you keep grilling them.

14. They may even gaslight you

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Refusing to answer direct questions is one thing, but making you doubt yourself is another entirely! Do they dismiss you as paranoid or claim you're making a big deal out of things when you ask them about what they're doing? Do they make you feel stupid for doubting them?

15. They lie about other things

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If someone is a big fan of lying in general, it's more likely they'll do things like cheat or lead a double life, too - because it's just who they are. So pay attention to whether they've always been a liar in general, even down to the little things, like lying about what they had for lunch or whether they binge watched a Netflix show behind your back!

16. They're huge fans of 'over-explaining'

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Compulsive liars and people who might be leading a double life are commonly known to over-explain. If they're lying, they might try and compensate by explaining a big, convoluted story as an answer to your question, so that it sounds more convincing or just to make you so confused you drop the subject.

17. S*x feels like a means of control rather than enjoyment

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Someone leading a double life is also likely to use s*x as a way of controlling the situation. If you start to ask them questions or show that you're doubting them, they may try to initiate s*x as a distraction or to try and convince you everything is fine - and may also withhold s*x as a way of telling you they disapprove of you asking questions.

18. They might actually tell you the truth directly

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Because we don't expect people leading double lives to actually be honest about it, it's common that we can just glaze over insights into the truth. It might be your partner has actually said 'you shouldn't be with me, you can't trust me' or 'I don't know if I can commit to this' but you might have just thought they had low-esteem or brushed it off thinking you could change them because you love them so much!

19. They seem to have two of everything

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Have you noticed that they have more than one email address, which they might claim is a work and a personal one? Or they have a spare cell phone which they again say is for work only? They might even have two cars, two coats, two suitcases... it may all be for innocent reasons, but double everything could mean they're trying to switch up their identity depending on which 'life' they're living today.

20. They also like to keep small secrets about random things

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Just like with the little white lie situation, do they also seem to have a lot of random 'secrets'? Like they have a secret keepsake box, or you find out they've had a secret credit card this whole time. It might just be about silly every day things, like they won't tell you their 'secret' family recipe, but it all adds up to secretive behavior.

21. They make comments about events that have never happened

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Or, at least, they never happened with you

. You might be on vacation and they'll drop a comment about 'remember the time when we...' only for you to say you've never done that. Then they brush it off and say they made a mistake - when actually, they could just be recalling a memory from their other life.

22. And then you start doubting your own memory

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Just like with the gaslighting scenario, it might become so complex you might start doubting your own recollection of things. They might say 'I definitely told you about that' when you know they didn't, or 'no we definitely went there together' when you didn't. And it gets to the point you get so overwhelmed and confused with everything they're saying!

23. Your loved ones get a weird vibe from them

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Your friends and family will have a gut feeling about your partner, just like you will - so have they made it known that they feel weird about your partner, or even don't like them at all? They might be cottoning on to the fact they're a untrustworthy person or just get the hint they're not all they seem!

24. You've had random people contact you

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Have you picked up the phone to someone asking for your partner, only to then say they got the wrong number? Or even had someone turn up at your house when you weren't supposed to be home and say they got the wrong house? You might have had people come up to you to say hello when you're both out grocery shopping when it's someone you've never seen before.

25. They don't usually invite you along when they're away

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If they are genuinely away for work a lot of the time, it's not so simple as to just ask you to come along - but in general, you'd expect to be able to stay away with them from time to time, or for them to ask you whether you want to come on a 'family weekend trip'. But they've never asked once for you to join them anytime they're away.

26. They have social media - but refuse to connect with you

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It's very weird indeed if a partner is active on all social medias but point blank refuses to add you as a friend or interact with you on it. There can't be any good reason for that, and when you ask, they refuse to explain. This is just a red flag that they might have connections or activity on there they don't want you to see.

27. Their stories change a lot

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They've been away for the weekend and told you it was because they had to work in a particular city. Fast forward a few weeks down the line, and they drop a comment about how they were away with friends that weekend, or suddenly say a different city than what they originally told you. You've noticed story details never add up over time.

28. Their devices are an absolute no-go for you

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You're entitled to your privacy in a relationship, but they basically have every single one of their devices under lock and key. If you walk into a room and their phone is nearby, they grab it. If you come up behind them on their laptop, they instantly close the screen. You're not allowed to borrow their tablet, or see anything they're doing on their devices.

29. Their friends tell a different story

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If you actually know their friends, or meet them in passing, have you noticed they drop comments that don't match what your partner told you? The latter told you they were away for work last weekend, but your friend casually says in conversation something different - and then backs up and says they made a mistake if you call them out for it.

30. They're angry or aggressive 99% of the time

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When someone is leading a double life, it's inevitable that the stress and secrecy of it all is going to catch up with them - and especially if you've started questioning everything. If they're inexplicably angry every time you ask where they've been, or get aggressive when you push for more info because your gut is telling you to, it can be a sign.